Agreeing To Disagree Takes Courage

Life for mom is far from easy- her mouth is agape most of the time, her right hand tremors & she tries to halt the movements with her left, her left hand shakes & she tries to halt the movements with her right, she shuffles her feet & has to remember to walk heel toe, & her face is lifeless at times, showing little to no emotion.

I try to make her laugh or even crack a smile, but the meds inhibit her from showing a full range of emotions.

You see, if we cut out one med., she’ll hear & see things. If we cut out the Parkinson’s meds, her fall risk increases & her equilibrium will be off. & that combination would be horrible.

Weeks ago, she fell out of bed & banged her face on the floor causing black & blue bruises all over her face. It was ugly. She said she’d heard a little bitty voice whisper that she was not a cheerful giver of the Lord. Maybe that’s when she leaped out of bed to prove that she was & is a cheerful giver. & when I mentioned this to her neurologist, she got upset & said I remembered things differently then she had recollected. She cried. Mom forgets. Mom has dementia. She looks at me as if I’ve just deceived her by telling the truth. It’s hard to watch, but I remain rock solid for mom. I’m used to this & have learned not to allow it to make me overly emotional.

The hurt sets in when I am alone & it is safe to cry & let out my feelings. I’m afraid I will make her sadder & add to her worry if I show my true emotions in front of her.

She hovers over me while I heat up dinner in the microwave, making sure I’ve done it just so. & when I hand her a pill in her shot glass, she mentions that I’ve set the empty glass on the wrong side of the counter. & when I was driving her to the veterinarian to drop her dog off, she pointed out the plain as day construction workers in the center lane, warning me not to run them over. She mentions that I need to slow down. She lost her ability to drive & now she has become a back seat driver. Most of her commands lack a please or thank you. It’s as if I’ve become her servant. It’s weird & semi-cold. Times have changed. Wasn’t long ago that my mom was driving me everywhere. Roles have been reversed without my approval, I am the adult & she is the child. It’s sad, but you see it is my duty to take care of mom- it’s just what has to be done.

We’re eating sushi at a restaurant & she is finished & we are waiting for the bill & she mentions thAt she is stressed out & anxious & ready to leave. She does not like waiting. She likes things orderly & timely & just so. & if, for a single moment, those things are corrupted, anxiety ensues. It’s not fun.

I try to distract her- I ask her what color hair I have, what color shirt she’s wearing, & what kind of restaurant we are eating at. I do this to distract her in hopes that her tremors will lesson. Anxiety brings on tremors & makes them significantly worse- so much so, her head begins to move a little bit.

She walks with a cane, a walker, but prefers to go arm in arm with a caregiver or a loved one. She’s given up walking in Wal mart, so she fetches that big black cart with the loud beeping. You can hear the back up beeps for blocks & I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think it was a little excessive.

Yesterday, we got in a fight about homosexuality, me & my mom. This happened on the way home from the neurologist. This happens every single time I see her. She starts throwing out bible verses to justify her fucked up perception of homosexuality. She believes that being gay is a choice. She opposes that people are born gay.

I can feel my fury boiling & bubbling to the surface as she begins telling me the story from the Bible about the 4 gay men raping a straight man. She eludes that this must mean ALL gay people are bad. I want to run, but I am the driver & there is nowhere to go but forward. I feel a little sick by this convo., but it continues. I feel kind of weak when we discuss such a topic, as I have strong beliefs about people I love.

I asked her what she would do if I were gay & she said she would pray for me to change, as she does for all the homosexuals that show up to her church.

When we sign up for this parenting gig, we also commit to loving our children unconditionally.

My heart aches for those that think they are broken because they are gay, when someone thinks for a single second there must be something wrong with them for loving someone of the same sex, it breaks my heart. I feel for them as I’ve heard story after story of anguish, stress, numbing, pretending, fear, & the covering up due to our closed off & unaccepting society. I become saddened when I think of someone close to them, making them feel less than for loving someone of the same sex. Who cares? Love them as they are, the way the good Lord created them to be. There is nothing wrong with being gay. We need to love more/ judge less, hug more/ name call less, try to understand/ ignore less, & smile more/ frown less.

See, I think when you choose to not befriend & embrace certain groups of people, for whatever reason, you lose, suffer, & miss out. You certainly don’t learn, grow, or get to enjoy the very gifts a variety of people have to offer when we come from a limited, narrow, closed off, & small-minded mentality.

I give my mom a free pass because she’s ill with so many ailments. I blame her schizophreniafor her narrow minded thinking & her dislike for homosexuals. Her mental illness does not stop me from trying to educate her & broaden her mind to look at others as gifts, beautiful colorful hearts that are to be loved as they are. I’ll never stop trying to open my mom’s mind & heart to those she’s been made to not accept. Mental illness has robbed her of so many things & it’s reared it’s ugly head for far too long. Unfortunately, it is not going away any time soon. I sometimes have to just shake my head & whisper, “she’s sick & does not know better.”

Her schizophrenic brain is a single square of mixed up beliefs & the Bible fits nicely in that square. & if, for a single moment, you challenge that square of beliefs, you are labeled wrong. Mom can’t think beyond that square of limited beliefs. She’s only capable of what’s inside that square & she’s memorized the Bible.

I can’t help but think she is missing out. By spending so much time condemning & judging others, she loses & misses out on the opportunity to understand & learn from people that are different than her.

The world is only becoming more diversified. Get with the times, people. The world is not just in AR. That is a grain of salt in this big big world. Open your eyes, lean in, let go of your judgements, let go of your skewed visions, & be free of boxing & categorizing. Please just love humans & meet them where they are & love them. Be grateful for the uniqueness of our beautiful universe. Let us admire the people of the world- their beautiful skin, their infectious smiles, their unique fashion sense, the awesome way each person laughs, their independent customs, food likes & dislikes, their dialects, their quirks, & more.

I try to bite my tongue. I know she does not know better, but I find it difficult to remain silent, complacent, & compliant to such nonsense. I try so hard & as the years have passed, I find it a wee bit easier to talk about, as I no longer attach or merge my mother’s beliefs with my own beliefs, nor do I dare allow them to soak in, as her beliefs are not my truth, but rather that of my mother. I am my mother’s daughter. I am not my mother. I was raised one way & I chose to go the other way.

I’ve bitten my tongue as long as I can & can no longer do so & so I say: “Your beliefs are from 1830 & this is 2017.”

& then mom mentions that people are having sex with their pets & getting married in Canada to their pets. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. That came out of left field & certainly can’t be compared to same sex marriage of human beings. Nice deterrent, mom, but that is not going to work & that is apples to dragons in comparison. Nice try though!

God blesses us, anoints us perfect at birth, & requires no checklist before He loves us. He just does & maybe we could learn a thing or two from God. No criteria is required- you are loved, unconditionally, as you are. & this is the way we are called to love our fellow man. God will not ask your sexual orientation at the pearly gates before opening the door & welcoming us in. He will just meet us there & love us as we are. I don’t believe that you have to be a bible fundamentalist or even have the Bible to gain entry. I don’t believe you have to be baptized, know how to forgive, go to church, or donate to the church to enter the kingdom.

How you treat others is directly correlated to where you end up when you die. If you are kind & well-intentioned, you go to heaven. If you are unkind & ill-intentioned, you might go to hell (If there is one.)

Mom thinks differently: if you do not believe in hell, you will not make it; if you cannot forgive, you will not make it; if you do not accept Jesus as your Lord and savor, you will not make it; if you have not been baptized, you will not make it; if you do not live your life according to the good book, you will not make it.

I just can’t imagine God turning a good human being away from the pearly gates based on if they’ve read the good book or not, if they can forgive or not, or if they choose to worship at church, in their living room, or at all.

Perhaps we should work to point less outwards & point more inwards. What are we doing to promote acceptance & tolerance? What actions can we take to become more accepting?

My mom is not in charge of the salvation of anyone, but she tries to be. Thankfully, God is in charge of mine & I think I’m doing ok. She mentions that her church allows homosexuals & they pray for them to try & fix them. This insinuates that there is something wrong with being gay, that God does not accept you if you are homosexual, & that being gay must mean you are broken & need fixing. It’s not true. We keep separating people into boxes & categories & talking about how different we are. We’ve convinced ourselves that our way is the only & best way. This closes us off from one another, turns us away from each other, instead of pushing us into each other & leaning towards one another.

I know people that go to church, weekly, sit in the front row & are not good people. I know people that make it their life work to help others & do not read the Bible, pray, or go to church.

Then she starts bragging about how much money she gives to her church each week. I don’t think God cares how much you donate. The intention is what he cares about. The intention of a giving heart is priceless. Their are people that can’t give anything & some that give a lot. God loves us the same.

I don’t think God categorizes us, puts us in pretty boxes, & places us strategically into nice neat columns. I think God sees us all as absolute miracles & magnificent wonders of the world. I think He loves us all with his entire being.

Let’s do the same.

I love my mom & will continue to do so. We’ve agreed to to disagree & continue to love each other from where we stand even though we stand divided in our beliefs.

I will never stop sharing my love for all people in hopes that she will broaden her sense of humanity & learn to accept all people.