What You Seek, You Will Find by Melissa Rosella

What you seek is what you will find

With all that is going on with the world, today, I’ve been struggling. I don’t do well with human suffering. At times, I feel a bit like I’m drowning & trying desperately to catch a break or a breath by coming to the surface. Once I catch a break, something else weasels its way into my being & pushes me under water, again, then it dissipates, & I finally get a scoop of air, only to find that hurt has washed over me again. I struggle with observing suffering & shelving my pain.

B will say, ‘chill,’ but I can’t. It does not matter how much yoga I do, what meds I take, how much I meditate, or how often I attend therapy, I still worry. I think it is in my genes, my DNA. I go to bed worrying about that which I can’t control. I dream about it at times.

I’m convinced I’m an empath & struggle seeing suffering, letting it run through me, & then shelving it. It’s there like a pimple that will not go away.

A couple days ago, I had a break down. I’d had it. I’d had it. I started crying & breathing heavy & I locked myself in the bathroom. That’s never happened before & James was confused. He came to check on me, as he heard me sobbing through the door. I’d just heard some disheartening news about my mom & that did me in. It brought me to my knees. My anxiety had taken over.

Brian, my calm in the storm, the one that gets even calmer the more anxious I feel, my rock, finally got home & as we were eating, I was recovering from my crying session, he looked at me & said, “You seek suffering. You look for it.”

I dropped my fork.

He continued, “Then, you feel responsible or called to fix it & you do something about it (like make art, donate money, start a go fund me page, or have a car port sale in someone’s honor.) You can’t prevent storms, Mel- they will come, but you can choose to not allow it to take over your being & make you depressed. You seek suffering. What you look for, you will find.”

I got mad because after I thought about it, I realized he was correct.

You see if I do something about the suffering, I can say I did something to help fix it or make it better or smooth it over, that I contributed in some small way. & then I feel better, but only briefly. It takes over my day because I allow it to. & then another disaster strikes before I’ve healed completely.

What is the first thing you do when you wake up? The first thing I do when I wake up is reach for my cell & check facebook. Never fails that there will be a new controversy, a new gigantic disaster, an unheard of immigration uproar, a new political banter, &/ or someone hurting somewhere due to something or other.

I physically can’t possibly prevent it, magically fix it, but I will try. I will feel my heart break a little, my head will hang, & I will feel a wee bit of the suffering. It hits me so hard. Most people can see it, feel it, & move on. I’ve tried & failed at that more times than I can count. There is this internal battle. Maybe this is why multiple people tell me to take media breaks.

I’ll stumble out of bed & make coffee & allow that bad news to trickle into my interactions with my children, my friends, & determine the course of my my day, in some sort of way. I will frown more, grumble more, & complain more.

I’ve always admired those people that can know the suffering of the world, recognize how they feel about it, determine how they can do their part, & move the fuck on. They can briefly look at facebook, or not at all, & smile on & continue to be their best selves.

I used to think my husband was selfish for choosing not to watch the news, read the paper, or mindlessly peruse facebook. I’d get mad when he was unaware of the injustices of the world, until I realized how damn happy go lucky he was all the time- all because he does not become consumed & sucked into the injustices of the world, but rather chooses to see it, do something, & be grateful for the things he has in his life, the very things that do bring him joy & happiness. He has it right. & all this time I thought him to be selfish. Not true.

So, I think the solution is to: do what we can, where we can, how we can, & let the rest of that shit go.

What would it be like if I: Started my day with gratitude (for the warm bed I sleep in, the house that keeps me safe, the clean water that hydrates me, the food that energizes me, the healthy children that warm my soul), prayer (for the eyes to see, the ears to hear, the nose to smell, the legs to walk, the arms to embrace what matters the very most), meditation (for peace with myself, for peace amongst friends, for peace for our world), or cuddle time with my kids (for the ability to wrap my arms around them, to celebrate their essence, to hear their laughter, to breathe the scent of their hair, their little hands interwoven in mine, their mini toes) instead of the black cloud news (intolerance, racism, hurricanes, forest fires, a fucking mess of a president, & more) that will lead me to nowhere good or positive or happy, but rather make me miserable.

Lately, I struggle with purpose & direction & being a good steward of the world I live in. When I taught elementary school for 9 years, my purpose was predetermined, my list of duties was listed, my worth lived in the faces of my children & the gratitude in their parents eyes.

If I am not a writer, a blogger, an artist, a world changer, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a room parent, or a wife, then who am I? Am I worthy without all the labels? Sometimes I think I do what I do to be able to label myself to describe myself- to prove I exist.

But ya know what, I’m a child of God, first. I constantly preach that we were anointed worth, relevance, & goodness in our mother’s womb at conception, that we have to do absolutely nothing at all to be something in the Lord’s eyes, & yet, I struggle with who I am, what I am, what my purpose is, or what direction I’m going. If I am recognized, then, boom, I have worth, & if people remain silent, does that still hold true? We are supposed to just know we are great, but I missed that in my childhood somehow. I would wait to hear that I’m ok before believing it. Sometimes, I find myself doing that with my art- if I create art, does that make me an artist? If I write, does that make me a writer? If people do not like my art or writing, does that mean I am still good?

So, I’ll admit this, sometimes I do big things to be recognized, because I miss attention. So, at times, I’m loud to be heard, in hopes that I will continue to be seen as relevant, worthy, & seen. & that’s hard to admit & write, here, because it is not becoming, however, if I am to practice & preach being real, transparent, & vulnerable, than I must practice my own preachings.

I am going to stop picking up my phone, 1st thing in the morning. I’m going to start with gratitude, deep breaths, & cuddle time. I’m going to look for the helpers, the world changers, & the empathizers. I’m going to raise good children that care about making the world better, despite the injustices.

I’m going to give myself grace & love & attention & appreciation & remind myself that I am a child of God. Going to stop looking for worth outside of me & listen to my inner voice that says I am of value, that I have relevance, that I am worthy, & that I was & am perfectly made. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone at all, as I am already all that I need to be.