I Messed Up

I was backing out, yesterday afternoon, with James in tow. I remembered to check my rear view mirror. I saw nothing. I proceeded to back out and heard & felt a loud thump.

Heart dropped. Then shock ensued.

I don’t remember getting out of the car and barely remember putting my car into the park position. A 56-year-old woman had been hit by my car, as she was pushing her grandson in his stroller. You see… she had momentarily stopped in the middle of the parking lot to look for her wallet in the stroller’s basket underneith. I hadn’t seen her as my SUV had blocked my view of her. She laid unconscious on the black top for about 30 seconds before awaking. Her belongings were sprawled out on the pavement. The child was screaming and I saw nothing, not a single sign of injury on the kiddo. Her friend began yelling at me to help her unbuckle the child out of the stroller and my fingers fumbled, as I suddenly had forgotten how to unbuckle strollers. Her friend was angry. I get it.

She had a large goose egg on the back of her head. She recalled her phone number, birthdate, address, and today’s date. It was a circus. I ran to the front & screamed to call 911, my legs felt like dead weights as I ran, it felt like slow motion.

Accidents happen instantaneously and I stood there shocked that my car had hit an innocent woman. My car could have killed an innocent child. I still can barely think of that without busting into tears. I kept checking on James. He sat in his seat with a smile, a reminder that this could have been him. He’s the best part of every single day. God bless him.

I knelt by the woman’s side, I held her hand, and I apologized as tears began to come. I could tell she forgave me. Two police officers, one ambulance, one fire truck, one worried  manager, and several bystanders later, I was surrounded. The woman’s daughter came running up. Her son was the one the victim had been pushing in the stroller. I could not bear to look at her, but pushed through and said I was sorry. The woman didn’t acknowledge my apology, as she was upset. I get it.

Photos were taken,  surveillance pulled, insurance exchanged, explanations from both parties were made, and passerbys kept coming. I felt like an animal, at the zoo.

What must they have been thinking as they saw me sweating?

I called B in a panic, he came to my side, and was calm and more calm and the calm in the storm of emotions I was going through: shame, guilt, disappointment, and anxiety.

I write this to warn you to slow your roll, to look more than once before backing up, if you don’t have a back up camera (like I don’t), get one. The daughter finally spoke after sevral minutes, “You should get a back up camera in your car for safety reasons,  that could have easily have been your son.”

I put my head down and looked away from the woman and made my way to a tree with lots of shade. James smiled as he rolled around barefoot in the green grass. Yep, could have been my son. I’m thankful the good Lord was watching over all of us. I’m thankful that woman is ok. I’m thankful more damage was not done. I’m thankful for forgiveness. I’m thankful for a super calm husband, as remaining calm is something I struggle with. I’m thankful for police officers understanding that accidents are real. I’m thankful for kind people. I’m thankful for forgiving people because I’ve been a fucking wreck for move than 24 hours with bouts of crying, freaking out,  shaking my head, and wondering how this happened. I have been a mess. Thankful for my best friend’s company and hugs and empathetic tears of understanding. Thankful for texts of others saying they get it and that I never ever meant to hurt anyone. Thankful for updates about the victim from her daughter, always mentioning she is ok.

Please slow down and realize that strollers are hard to see out back windows. Do not bend over in a parking lot, as cars aren’t able to see you unless they have back up cameras or beeping indicators. Stay off your phone and go slower than normal. Look right, left, and then right, again, before proceeding. Go slow and focus on the road.

I’m my own worst critic. Shame is a horrible thing and it will make you feel awful about yourself, but we must learn to forgive ourselves, first.

Hug your children and tell them to be careful and to hold your hand. Stay focused, alert, and aware in parking lots, around cars, and around roads. Ignore your phone until you’re stopped and safe. Check all  mirrors before backing up and double-check them again.

I write this to prevent anything likes this from happening to you because it’s really hard afterwards. The guilt has been tough, but I’m grateful to know she’s ok. That baby in that stroller didn’t get hut. According to surveillance, the stroller was not even touched by my car. Baby was just scared, understandably so.

Slow your roll. Stop at stop signs. Go slow. Go slower. Drive like your kids are in the car every single time.

When things get tough, walk in, apologize when you are wrong and don’t hide from what is hard. Walk in and do so, if you must with tears in your eyes, but walk in and admit how you are feeling. Not sure that daughter forgives me, but I must know the big man ABOVE always forgives.

Be careful.