This Mom Gig is HARD

This morning was one of those mornings. You know the kind where no matter what you do, it’s wrong. & even though you could swear you’re just whispering, your child is accusing you of yelling & being mean. How could I even have the power to yell this early in the morning? Something has been going on with Hope, lately. & despite my best efforts & sneaky tactics to pick her little brain apart & figure her out, I’ve failed miserably to get to the bottom of what’s been up with my her.

I consider myself a pretty good communicator & one that can typically get to the bottom of things easily, but this parenting gig has me up in arms a lot of the time. I feel like I’m in uncharted territory almost daily. It’s an uncomfortable feeling to deal with. I want to have all the answers. I want to know what to do.

I know my kids are here to teach me the very lessons I never received as a child. Our kids are our teachers &, at times, the lessons they teach me blow me away & stop me dead in my tracks.

The truth is, Hope isn’t kind to me after school. Maybe it is because she’s been so busy being ‘just so’ & studious all day, that she feels she can let it all out, post school. I try so hard to have a snack & cold drink for her, to have soft music in the background, to look her in the eye & squeeze her extra tight, after school, but none of the tricks up my sleeve have been cutting it lately.

So, this has been the ongoing question: how do I get my girl to open up & share her truth with me?

What gives with the attitude? I mean, she’s 6 going on 14. If this is 6… what will 14 look like?! Maybe I should start packing my bag for the hills. Being a mom is so incredibly challenging & yet, I love it.

I want to be the mom that she runs to & shares her whole day with, want to be the one that she admits her crushes with, & want to be the one she cries to when things get hard. That’s not where we are, she just shuts down, yells, spits, rolls her eyes, or sticks out her tongue @ all my attempts.

Great.

So, after school yesterday was no different. She was snappy, sassy, aggressive, giving me roll-eye-type behavior, even after I gave her love, provided a snack, had ice water waiting, & snagged her a smoothie. What up with the ‘tude?

I asked what was going on with absolutely no luck. Just sass. I even told her I wanted to have a better relationship with her & asked what that would look like. Asked her how I could make that more likely & I got nowhere fast. I hit a wall & got told to stop talking.

I’ve been known to talk too much, not listen enough, & to repeat myself. Was I doing that with Hope. Also was told by my ex that I am naggy. Was I doing that with Hope? Maybe B would be better at this stuff. So @ cuddle time, I told her I loved her & to have sweet dreams. Left her room feeling defeated & thinking finding a child psychiatrist, stat, was in order.

& then, this a.m., we had this amazing cuddle session before J woke up. Then, shit hit the fan. I don’t know how or why.

She spit in my face & I put her in time out & then I told her if she didn’t start telling me what was going, I’d have to talk to her teacher & then she yelled,

“You always focus on what I do wrong. You never focus on what I do right!!!!!!!!”

I stopped dead in my tracks & my eyes fell to the floor. Shame ensued. Guilt washed over. I wanted to run for the hills & bury my head in the sand. I got really quiet. When I get quiet, you know something is up.

I’d been trying for days to figure out why Hope has been so sassy, so mean, so upset, & so uptight. I’d been probing her, questioning her, & next to begging her to share her feelings with me about what the hell has been going on.

Well, she let me know alright. I’ve been so focused on putting out fires, outside of my home/ running into burning buildings, so to speak, that I wasn’t even aware I was in one of my very own. You know, I’ve spent so much time on RedForEd, Teacher Appreciation Week, & my Mother’s Matter Rummage Sale, attempting & failing to lose weight, that I’d missed the most important thing of all- focusing on what my firstborn had & has done well. How have I been so naggy this whole time? How have I not caught myself? How did I not notice this myself? How is that it took my 6 year old to pull me out on my negligence to get it? There’s the lesson. There it is.

I’m a nag. I’m one of those. Was my ex right? How did I get here? Been so busy proving how great I am via Facebook with all my projects that I lost touch with being the kind of mother I really & truly want to be.

Swore I’d never be that mom, the naggy one that always harps on her child. Well, according to Hope, that is what I’ve been lately.

I wish I could be more like my husband. He’s always focusing on Hope’s strengths & then there’s me. I’ve failed my kid, failed to see her beautiful sparking blue eyes, her soft blonde beautiful locks, her infectious smile, & more.

I’ve noticed the eye rolls, the tongue outs, the sassy attitude, the talking back, the spitting, the hitting, the yelling, & more. But, why oh why, haven’t I noticed the incredible artwork, the cute non-matching fashionable outfits, the laughter, the jokes, the giggles, & everything in between? Why have I been so hard on Hope?

If I could just look at the good, maybe the bad would disappear. Maybe if I could give her more ‘that a girls,’ she would make better choices.

Kids will do whatever they can to get attention. They will make a lot of noise, make good choices, & make bad ones to get your attention. They absolutely positively need it so desperately. They need to be seen & heard. & they’ll do whatever it takes to get our attention.

This was my lesson: to switch my focus from what is wrong to what is right, to what she is doing wrong to what she is doing well, to notice when she is sharing, to notice her creativity, her innovative projects, her awesome reading ability, her creativity, her spelling attempts, her giggle, her one-of-a-kind laughs, and everything in between.

So, today it will start, this shift of finding the good, looking for strengths, looking for what she does well, looking for moments of her making good choices, times where she is using her manners, and much more.

I need a do over, a rewind button, a pause button, & a reset. I need grace & forgiveness. I have been put in my place by a 6-year-old going on 14. She’s so smart. She’s so impressionable. She’s my teacher.

Perhaps focusing on the good will bring more good & intentionally commenting on her great choices will help make our relationship better.