James walked into his bedroom & I was laying on my tummy, book in hand, reading to Hope. Brian was in the rocking chair. James ran & jumped on top of my back. We’ve told him time & time again not to do that. I’ve been having a lot of back issues, as my shoulders have been spasming. Bri jumped up & scooped up James, as that is an immediate time out in our house.
I continued reading our book together, “B is for bear. B is for basket. B is for baseball. B is for bee.” I could hear James wailing from the other room. B came back minutes later & resumed sitting in the rocking chair. The 3 minutes was up. We wrapped up the book. I closed it & asked B to resume reading time with Hope. I walked towards the kitchen to scoop James. I found an empty toilet paper roll on my way, while walking by the guest bathroom door. I cupped the empty toilet paper roll in my hand & peeped through it using it as a single binocular. I snuck around the corner & my eyes locked with James’ teary eyes.
“I spy with my little eye a good boy.”
James hid behind the laundry room door & looked down. Maybe he wasn’t quite ready to say sorry or to face the fact he’d made a poor choice by jumping on mom. I backed away while gifting him my handmade binocular.
James finally made his way into his room & it became time to brush teeth. Tonight, we popped the step stool in our bathroom & as he brushed his teeth with his Paw Patrol toothbrush, I offered to brush his back hard-to-reach teeth, but he insisted on showing me just how big he was by doing it all by himself. He rinsed out his mouth & washed off his toothbrush. He was finally more calm.
I scooped him up & kissed his cheek. We cuddled for a moment. “You are a good boy.” I said in a quiet voice, while looking in the mirror.
I instructed James to repeat after me. “I am James. I made a poor choice, but I am a good boy. I am my mom’s favorite boy. I am a good boy!” He repeated it very quietly & there were moments that he looked away, but he did it. He smiled afterwards.
It is very important that we teach our kids the difference between shame & guilt. According to one of my favorite writer’s of all time, Brene Brown: GUILT = I DID SOMETHING BAD. SHAME= I AM BAD.
I MADE a mess. (Guilt) I AM a mess. (Shame)
I ACTED unkind. (Guilt) I AM unkind. (Shame)
I WALKED too slowly. (Guilt) I AM slow. (Shame)
I MADE a mean choice. (Guilt) I AM mean. (Shame)
I MADE a rude choice. (Guilt) I AM rude. (Shame)
Shame: I AM WRONG. This is all-inclusive, puts one in a box based on one poor choice made. One poor choice does not qualify you to be one specific overall quality. & shame really does not give you any room to improve, as it is all-encompassing. It makes people feel sad & children internalize shame. Not good.
Guilt: I DID SOMETHING WRONG. This is a mobile choice & provides room for multiple do overs. This allows you to shift & make different choices the next time around by learning from your mistakes. This is good.
It’s profoundly important that we parent in such a way that we eliminate words like: always, every day, every single time, should, & other shame inducing words. They are all inclusive, hurtful, and can instill long-lasting feelings of shame in our kids. Children will begin to repeat our words & our modeled words will become their truth & their truth becomes their reality & the ripple effect continues. The pattern becomes a cycle.
Brene mentions an example in her book, Gifts of Imperfection. Her daughter was playing with colorful paints in her Kindergarten classroom. Her teacher looked at Ellie and said, “ELLIE, YOU’RE SUCH A MESS.” Ellie stopped & looked up at her teacher & said, “I’M NOT A MESS. I’M MAKING A MESS.”
She goes on. Their family dog had chewed something to shreds & Brene angrily said, “BAD DOG. YOU ARE A BAD DOG.” Ellie quickly corrected Brene, “HE’S NOT A BAD DOG, HE MADE A POOR CHOICE.”
Earlier today, James took Hope’s chapstick & used it without asking. Hope became upset and shouted, “James you’re mean.” I quickly stepped in and asked her if that was completely true. We talked about James making an inconsiderate choice, as he certainly could’ve asked first. Hope agreed. & we agreed that calling someone mean isn’t really fair. After our discussion, Hope said, “James, that was a mean choice. Please ask if you can use my chapstick next time.” He agreed to ask first next time.
We have to squash shame. We have to identify the places in which we use shame in front of our children, with ourselves, and with others. We have to change the conversation. We have to make shifts. We have to go back and make different choices with our words. We mustn’t shame ourselves, our children, or our loved ones. We must speak to ourselves the way we would speak to a dear friend.
Talk to your kids about the words they use. Discuss what words mean and don’t mean. Choose your words wisely. Model appropriate conversations to your children so they speak to themselves kindly, others considerately, and so on. Don’t place limits on who your child is based on the words we use to describe them. I often hear people say, “My kid has Oppositional Defiant Disorder.” & maybe that is true, but it isn’t all they are. Children are so much more. Yes, they may have been diagnosed with ODD, but that isn’t all they are. It’s one single teeny tiny sliver of who they are. They are so incredibly capable. If we open the door and raise the bar for our children, there truly are not limits to what they can do and what they are capable of being and doing. They’ll rise to the occasion and blow us away if we allow it. Watch your words, especially around your children.
I think when we throw around these all-encompassing words, it really can break our children down and make them feel feelings of shame. We need to be careful with our words. Shame isn’t something we want our children to feel.
I used to be an avid Dr. Phil watcher and he has said multiple times, “It takes 100 THAT-A-GIRLS to erase 1 put down.” Our words are incredibly powerful!
Remember, put the blame on the choice made, not on the child that made the choice.
To learn more about guilt and shame, read Brene Brown’s books! They’ve changed my whole being! They’ve made me a better human being and made a huge impact on the way I parent our children.
just another mama next door 
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