Lessons

I remember chatting with a family member about wanting to have children with Brian. I remember her saying, “Are you sure you want to have children given your genetics? Schizophrenia, alcoholism, attention deficit disorder, dyslexia, & depression run in your family!” Without hesitation I answered, “Yes.” I’ve always wanted to be a mother & nothing was going to change it!

True, genetics play a role in a child’s development, but so does the parenting that takes place in the home.

The truth is, you can read every book ever written, talk to parenting experts, read every blog ever authored, & still you will not have a clue on how to parent. Every child is different. There is no manual that quite prepares you on how to be a parent. You figure it out along the way. You play the game of trial & error. You pray a lot. You cry a lot. You laugh at yourself & with your spouse. & just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, a monkey wrench gets tossed in the mix & you have to change course & try something new.

& there are things you swear you’d never do that you end up doing. & ways of parenting that you run away from only to come back to later. Nothing prepares you for parenthood, but one thing remains: you gave the greatest gift you possibly could, you gave your baby life. So, honor your parents because without them, you would not be here!

I thought I was doing great with my parenting, thought I had it all figured out & was on an upswing, until my kids started hitting me on a regular basis, telling me they hated me, yelling, screaming, & throwing things. This summer was brutal.

The last couple of months have been tough in my house. How could my kids be so mean when I’m so ‘nice?’ I don’t spank them with the belt like my mom did. I don’t pinch them or wash their mouths out with soap, even when I want to & think they deserve it! But I was doing that thing… the people pleasing thing, the rescuing thing, the putting out fire thing, the rectifying thing, the fix it ASAP thing- because I’d rather be liked than be the hated parent. But, it was not working, clearly. I had that people pleasing syndrome- the one where you can’t allow anyone to dislike you & if they do, you do what you can, as fast as you can, to hopefully change their minds. It’s exhausting.

I love to make my kids pain go away as fast as humanly possible. The sound of their crying would weigh heavily on me, pushing me into the ground. & I loved to swoop in, like a superhero, & save the day. I thought this was a great way of parenting & I’ve been this way for years. You see I want them to love me, like me, & I would do everything in my power to get them to continue to love & like me, but that is a selfish way to parent. It’s all about me… not them. What is in their best interest? That is what matters! & sometimes… what is best for them isn’t what is best for me, is uncomfortable, & is hard for me to wrap my mind around.

I began to realize that this was not preparing my kids for the real world. Me loving them & me being the favored parent was not going to help them in the long run. Not everyone is going to like you, approve of you, & be kind. Sometimes loving your kids is setting boundaries, being an asshole, sticking to your guns while your kids are kicking, screaming, & calling you names. They swear they’ll never love you again, that they don’t even like you, & that they don’t like your house. James has been getting creative with his tantrums! Their bodies are too small to handle all of those overwhelming emotions & so they say everything that comes to mind, & it can be hard to hear.

I’ve decided to stop the people pleasing bullshit because it doesn’t work. Parenting paradigm shift in full effect. I want to prepare my kids for the world & they can love me or not, but I will always be their mom & love them no matter what & they may or may not reciprocate & that hurts a bit, but it is what it is. I am determined to teach them lessons that my mom forgot to teach me along the way.

By the way, I adore my mom & we’re pretty close- she did her best with the skill set she had. She was just repeating the cycle of what her mom taught her. We’re all just doing our best! We’re super close.

Lessons I will teach my kids:

1. Rejection. The world will reject them, so we have to teach our kids how to handle being rejected. I got fired from a job & I personalized it as rejection. It almost killed me, but I figured it out & I’m better because I learned from it. Teach kids how to accept rejection & to get back on course. It’s not the end of the world, just a bump in the road.

2. Making mistakes. If we admit-tingly mess up & model it out loud, they too will be ok with making mistakes & fessing up. Always been good at making mistakes & then modeling how to get it right the next time. Kids need to know how to make mistakes & how to get back on track.

3. Boundaries. Mentioning what IS acceptable & what ISN’T acceptable is powerful. Kids need limits & boundaries to learn what works & does not work. Willy/ nilly parenting does not work. Setting clear expectations is incredibly important & sets kids up for success.

4. Independence & Problem Solving. The truth is we are not always going to be there to do things for our kids. They have to learn to fend for themselves, to discover what is available to them, & to maximize their resources.

5. Failure. We have to let them fall. We have to let them fail. We have to let them struggle. We have to let them figure out how to get out of their own messes. I never was schooled on failure. Mom always had tutors for me (to help manage my ADHD throughout my school days to be sure I would not fail. I always had them to fall back on. It did not serve me well because I really needed to be able to fall down & figure it out for myself. You see, just wanted to be set free by my mom, but she always had nets set up for me. & when my grades were so so, she’d say it was because of my ADHD. I used that as a crutch to not do my absolute best. I used my learning disability to be mediocre, when I’m certain I was capable of much more. Let your kids fail, let them figure it out, & let them free fall. They will figure it out & carry that life skill into their future. It will make them stronger & more successful.

6. Money management. Teach them how to balance their checkbook, how to save, how to spend, how to invest, & how to be diligent about saving money. I wish I’d been taught better money management skills. I really struggled to understand my finances. Brian teaches me a lot & I’m learning about frugality from him, too.

7. Unconditional Love. What it means to be loved, what it feels like to be loved, that love should not hurt, that when we love… we love with our whole heat. To love the good & the bad of our loved ones is important. Love never decreases based on the choices they make or don’t make.

8. Acceptance. To accept what we have. To accept people for who they are & who they aren’t.

9. Forgiveness. This is big. Teach them to forgive you for your poor choices as parents. Teach them to give people chances. Teach them to gift do-overs to others. We all make mistakes. Teach them to let go of things immediately & to set themselves free from the shackles of their held resentments. Mom did so well with this one. I easily forgive, hold no remorse. I’ve had to forgive a lot over & over & over again in my life. My stepfather told me I was at fault for my mom becoming schizophrenic when I was only 15 years of age- told me I stressed her out too much. I carried that shit around for 20 years, but forgave him 2 years ago. I set myself free! I was attacked with mace about a decade ago- forgave him, too! You have to forgive to move forward!

10. Worth. Teach them their worth is a birthright. It’s not wrapped in their work ethic, the job they hold, what school they attend, what degrees they have, the amount of money they have in the bank, the car they drive, or the clothes they wear. Worth was anointed @ conception & cannot be taken away no matter what. Mom didn’t teach me about worth. The good Lord did. I did a lot of things to gain worth- a lot of things I regret. I did things I did not want to do to gain worth from others. Did things that were against my moral compass to gain worth, but they never ever worked because I’d wind up feeling way worse. & I never ever gained others respect- just lost it. Don’t do things to gain worth- you already have it deep deep in your bones. The good Lord places it there in your mother’s womb.

11. Self-confidence. Teach them how to love themselves. Teach them that what they believe matters, more than what someone else believes. Mom was an assertive woman, but I had very little confidence growing up. I always felt dumb… always. I never felt good enough… ever. If I could just speak to my little girl self- I would tell her how beautiful & creative & amazing she truly is- that her labels of dyslexia & ADHD do NOT make her who she is, from the inside out- they are just words that were attached to her unfairly & prematurely. I would tell her she’d turn out to be an amazingly strong woman, with a heart of gold, with a mission to change the world by making it a better place. I’d tell her I love her.

12. Sex Education & Body Awareness. Make sure they know about birth control in all forms & how to get it. Be sure they understand sex is special & sacred & not something to be pressured into. Your body is yours & yours alone & YOU decide how you want things to go or not go. No one has the right to touch you without your permission. I never took sex education. I had unprotected sex @ 15 with a boy I had a huge crush on. I thought I was pregnant. Thankfully, I got lucky. It would have been bad because the heartthrob said he was going off into the army & that the kid wasn’t his anyway. Please please talk to your kids about sex, birth control, love, appropriate touch, etc.

13. Using Your Voice. Your voice is important & does matter. You use your voice to stand up for what you believe in. You speak your truth. Use your voice to make requests. Talk about your feelings. Use your words to say what matters to you. My mom definitely taught me to use my voice when things were going well. She didn’t teach me how to speak up when things got hairy. I was taught to keep people happy & to not raise a ruckus- poor parenting. Use your voice & do not be afraid to look bad. Speak your truth & say what you mean & mean what you say.

14. Open Door Policy. Teach your kids that they are always welcome. That their home will always be their home. That they can come in no matter their age. Teach them that you will always be their mom & dad & that their love for you will not change based upon their choices. You will support them, whole heartedly! My dad & stepmom always read with their door open at night. I’d often sit on their bad & carry on conversations. They had an open communication policy. I think I shared too much with them!

15. Organization. Teach your kids how to put things away. Teach them that when they get something out, they put it back. Teach them how to make their beds, put away their clothes, & show them where their shoes belong. I struggled my whole life with organization, even with my mom’s best efforts @ teaching me how to put things away. So, I try hard to get my kids to put things away after they are done.

16. Cooking. Teach your kids how to cook healthy foods. Show them how to set the table & what to do with their plates afterwards. Have them help you prepare meals. Mom didn’t teach me how to cook. I wish I’d paid attention more, but I love to cook & teach my kids how to make healthy food, too.

17. Responsibility. Teach them how to feed the cat, to replace the lizard’s water, & to clean out the turtle’s cage. Give them jobs to do around the house & acknowledge when it’s done, whether it is done your way or their way.

18. Creativity. Encourage them to create. Teach them that not everyone will like their work. I haven’t sold my work in months, but I still create because it brings me joy. Not everyone is going to like your work, but you keep going. & you encourage art & do art with your kids to build better relationships. I always did art growing up & was encouraged to create with all kinds of materials & tools! Creativity is within us all- just have to tap into it & make time to create!

19. Communication. Teach kids how to speak to people. Teach them please & thank you, eye contact, & appropriate touch. Teach them how to greet & how to say goodbye. Model appropriate language skills to help them build relationships around them. Mom was good at teaching me how to say please & thank you, how to greet, & how to depart. Appropriate touch is not something I was schooled on & think it is an invaluable lesson to teach our children.

20. Individuality & Style. They choose what they wear, how they do their hair, etc. Fashion is a form of expression. They decide how they want to look for the day. & you accept it as long as you see that it is appropriate! My clothes & hair was always prepped for me growing up… so I let my kids choose!

21. Story vs. Feelings About the Story. Yes, so & so did not text back & that’s it… does not mean they don’t love you. The scale is a number, it means nothing. It does not mean you are fat- it is a number. We were late for school… just late… does not mean we are bad. See, we attach meaning to everything instead of looking at what actually happened. We assume, predict, presume, & it makes us miserable. Stick to facts. If you ha e questions… ask.

22. Being a Loyal Friend. Teach them what it means to be a friend, what attributes a good friend has, & what it would feel like to have a true friend & be a true friend. I once had a friend that would touch me inappropriately when we would drink too much. I’d wake up with his hands up my shirt or down my pants. That, my friends, is not a friend. I never spoke up in fear he would stop liking me. I’ve since forgiven him & we’re friends. You have to know what a loyal friend is & be one! See #13 about using your voice! I did not know how to use my voice during my teen years.

23. Limits. You see you don’t have to be the biggest gift giver, the loudest person in the room, the brightest clothes wearer, or a doormat to be liked. You give a gift with a budget in mind. I once bought my best friend an expensive Couch purse for her birthday, with money I didn’t have, because I wanted to stand out. Who does that? This girl… because I thought just getting her something reasonable wasn’t enough. My mom never really taught me limits. Buy what makes sense & know in your heart it is enough. I’m loud for attention, but I’d be noticed without being loud, too. You speak at a regular tone & be you. I like wearing bright clothes because I like a lot of color. You wear clothes that you like & feel good in your own skin, but not for attention!

24. Vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness. It is our greatest measure t of courage. To be vulnerable is to be strong. Don’t numb. Don’t push down your feelings. Talk about how you feel. When we talk about how we feel, we open the door for others to do the same.

25. Empathy. Every one deserves empathy. No one has to earn it. We all crave it. Teach kids to empathize with the homeless man on the stet corner, the mom running late, the hungry & angry mom, etc. Ask, “How do you think (blank) feels right now?” Practice this. We feed & hydrate the homeless when able. My kids are empathetic.

26. Say I’m sorry. Teach your kids to apologize when they make a mistake. I’ve mastered this one, but definitely overuse it. I have a tendency to say it at the wrong times. Teach your kids to apologize when necessary.

You see, children are ours to love & to prepare for the world, not to please & not to manage. We have an obligation to teach our kids how to be in the world & that includes every little & every big thing. We have to be ahead of them all the time. We have to be intentional. Even our best efforts may not cover all bases, but we try our best.

Teaching starts @ home, not in the classroom. & if we don’t teach our children the hard lessons now, then their friends, society, & social media will. That, my friends, scares the living shit out of me. It starts & ends with us. & at the moment of conception, we agreed to take this on.

So when Hope mentioned it was orange day at school, I didn’t pull my usual shenanigans of hopping into the car & going to Target to buy the best & cutest orange clothing item. Instead I said: “Ok, go find what you have that is orange.” Hope remembered an orange headband she left in the car, found a piece of orange felt to tie in her ponytail from my art bin, discovered star socks that included orange stars, & found a light orange dress at the very bottom of her dress drawer. She used her resources to solve her own dilemma with little help from me. Problem solving is huge. We shall teach her how to be a problem solver.

James rages & gets angry. He used to run & punch my thigh. & I’d just ignore it. I decided that was no longer working for our family. I discovered a squishy toy he could take his anger out on instead & have implemented an immediate time out the moment he hits an animal or person in our home. The old me ignored it & secretly worried that I was raising an unkind soul. The new me has a zero tolerance policy for hitting & throwing things at people or animals.

In the real world, there are mad consequences for hitting & he needs to get that now. His hitting has an impact on our family. It’s been a few days of less hitting, folks. So he knows that when he chooses the behavior, he also chooses the consequence. Welcome to the real world, son!

Another thing that works when my kids are upset about something is asking, “What do you need from me right now?” It’s a game changer. Lots of times, it is simply a glass of water, a hug, a snack, rest time, or just a little break. Being a kid is hard, but we can just stop, breathe, & ask… “What do you need from me?” As parents, we forget to breathe, forget to pause, & often times just react without thinking. I’m consciously working on stopping, breathing, & asking, “What do you need from me right now?” It shows you care. It shows you have empathy for your child.

I’m learning more & more each day. I’m shifting my parenting as I see fit. I’m doing my best & that is all I can do. When I screw up, I admit it & change course. There is always a new day, a different choice, & a change I can make to teach my kids new lessons. They are worth it!

A good friend of mine recently said this after I told her I was a bad mom:

“You’re not a bad mom. You are human.”

Amen, sister, amen.