As a natural homebody, I have to work hard to get out of that slump, that cozy place with just me, myself, & I. It’s a lonely place- the introvert deep inside has to come out into the world & learn to open up to be happier, in the long run. Otherwise… it’s loneliness & sadness always follows. Suffering alone is the worst kind of suffering. We’re wired to connect with one another, to be seen, to be heard, & to be made important. & we can even connect through suffering if only we’ll allow it.

I used to run away, every now & again, to get away from it all. Typically, I’d head to Chipotle & emotionally eat my upset away, as if that was going to fix it. It made me happy temporarily! I’d claim I needed space, but really I was unhappy & was running away from my life. That was bullshit. What I really wanted ,& wouldn’t admit, is that I was tired of giving & needed a little TLC. All I really needed was to be reminded to take a breath & then I needed a big fat hug. I needed connection, longed for human touch, & acknowledgment that I mattered. I’ve since learned to acknowledge my feelings, notice them (not become consumed by them), talk it through with Brian, ask for what I want, & move on. It took me years to get to that place & to stop running from my own feelings.

We need to be reminded that we matter & that we contribute to the world by simply being who we are. We forget we matter in the midst of the hustle & bustle of life’s ups & downs! We need to be shaken gently & told the world would never ever be as beautiful without us. Each of us makes this world extraordinary & without even one of us… the world would never ever look the same, be as bright, or be as incredible as it is.

When we close the door, turn out the light, hide under our covers, let the phone ring, deliberately don’t get back to friends, ignore texts, tell people not to visit… we suffer. We suffer more than we would had we chosen to be temporarily uncomfortable enough to be loved by our loved ones. At the end of the day we all the need the very same thing: love. To feel loved, to be loved, & to be cared for is all we really long for, even if we feel ugly @ the time, are going through painful stuff, & are feeling terrible. At the end of the day, your true friends & family will love you through it all. They don’t care what your house looks like, what you look like, how upset you may become… they just want to love on you, they long to hug you long & hard, & to remind you that everything is going to be ok.

Isolation= suffering; Running away= loneliness; Numbing (working too much, avoiding, deflection, shopping, eating, drugging, drinking, & perfecting)=more pain

There’s nothing worse than suffering in isolation. Shutting out the world to fend for ourselves while struggling to keep it together, will only make the pain worse, our agony will intensify, & we will become more depressed & more sad. The solution: connection with human beings.

It’s true we need a break now & again, but if we could learn to reveal our pain, share our discomfort, & speak vulnerably… we would notice these very actions is our way to heal, from the inside out. But will we be courageous enough to take the step, to leap into connecting, even if it means we will become temporality uncomfortable?

& when we speak our truth, we open the door for others to do the same & then we heal… together. Healing together heals the world. Healing the world makes Planet Earth a better place. & don’t we all long for a better Planet?

When you stay in your head, you are not contributing to the world. When you get out of your head & focus on another person, you make a shift & begin to heal. Your pain becomes more bearable, more tolerable, & you’re able to push through a bit easier when you take the focus off of you & onto another human being. You make a difference in others by being you, but to make a true difference you have to allow yourself to be truly seen by others. It takes courage. It takes bravery. What matters more… temporary discomfort in order to make the world a better to live in & be a part of OR staying in your head, being miserable, your circumstances remaining the same, & not contributing to the world? You have to decide what matters more to you!

It is when we push away, when we don’t return calls, when we don’t take up invites, when we choose to be alone, when we choose to not share our stress… that we hurt more, cry more, & our suffering increases.

If we could learn to take a step towards another human being, speak out, speak up, say what we are really thinking, cry, let it out… we could heal. We could help one another feel not so alone. You’re not alone. Everybody suffers. Everybody hurts. Everybody.

Hope was in a rage yesterday for no particular reason. Screaming, crying, yelling, hitting, & fighting- it was hard to watch. She kicked Brother & that earned her a time out, which she refused to participate in. So, I locked myself in her room, with her, got on my knees, & held out my arms. I offered love & she began yelling more:

“I don’t need you. I don’t like you. Go away.” (Pushing away)

I left because she started hitting me & clearly, me being there was escalating the problem. & then, after her timeout, she ran out of her room & told us all to leave.

I ignored her & told her to let me know when she was ready to talk. I outstretched my arms & told her I loved her. Her screams became louder & more aggressive.

After she’d done this for some time & tears were streaming down her face, she finally reached out for me & collapsed in my arms. Immediately, I felt her whole body weight fall on me, as if she was releasing the weight of the world onto me, as if it’d all been too much for her little body to carry. Her sobbing stopped. Her arms tightened around me. I wrapped her tight & we sat on the green chair & chatted.

“The times when you want to run are the times you need to run towards us. When you want to escape, you need comfort. I’m here. Dad’s here. Brother’s here.”

Brother approached to check on Hope. Hope yelled, “Go away!”

“See, Brother knows you need him, that you need comfort, that you need love, that you need hugs. That is why he approached you. Can you get that? He’s looking out for you. Don’t push him away! The very moments you want to escape are the moments you need to lean in & reach for us, to hug us, to ask for what you need! Use us, we love you all the time, no matter what, even when you say you hate us. We love you all the time… all the time… no matter what!”

“Do you understand?” She nodded yes.

“However, you may not hit because hitting hurts! & you hit me repeatedly in your room. When I have hit you… have I apologized?”

“Yes…”

“So, what should you do right now?”

“I’m sorry for hitting you, Mom!”

“I forgive you & I love you. What do you need right now?”

Her arms tightened around me & her body remained relaxed. & it was as if her aggression magically disappeared!

We hugged for longer & I admitted to her that I, too, used to run away when things got tough. I told her it only made me more sad & that I need people & more hugs & more love, even when I don’t think I need it. & I told her that if I run away, that she needs to remind me that I’m doing that thing again. & that if I saw her running away I’d tell her she’s doing that thing again & we could remind each other to ask for hugs instead of running away. We need each other. We need people.

She agreed.

I think we are hard-wired for connection, we need people, especially when we think we don’t! Pay attention to how you are feeling & how you choose to handle your worry, your pain, & your suffering. What do you need to be ok?

Tantrums are just masks children use to hide what they need the most. They are little & can’t control so much in their tiny bodies. Regulating their emotions requires our ongoing help, careful guidance, & unconditiuonal love. Often times, this is the time we want to run away & hide & dig a hole & disappear, but this is the time our kids need us the absolute most. We must walk into the discomfort. The louder they get… the more they need us to lean in, get on their level, & offer a hug! Be careful, I got slapped across the face yesterday.

If they refuse, back off, explain you are there when they are ready & be there, whole heartedly when they say they are ready. Don’t personalize their words. It’s not personal. They are releasing their pain & while it is hard to hear, being a child is hard, too. It will end. This, too, shall pass, but remain calm & neutral. Use a calm voice & guide them through it. It’s an ebb & flow & it takes time. It’s not easy, but it is workable.

After we hugged, Hope truly turned her attitude around. Kids need to be taught to use their voice to request their wants & needs from us. They need a safe space to voice their concerns. We need to be good listeners & facilitate open & honest communication with them. We need to encourage them to speak up about what they need. & they may need our help on how to verbalize what they need along the way. Not all kids are good at communicating their desires. So we, as parents, have a difficult responsibility to pave the way.

Speak your truth & encourage your children to speak theirs! & when things get tough, talk about it. Don’t hold it in or it will make you sick. Get out your feelings. Don’t numb. Just talk it through. We’re all here just doing our personal best. & we all need a little help from our friends now & again. Be a friend and ask for what you need using your voice.