A Revelation

Hope woke up at 6 a.m. We did her math number bond homework using colored glittery beads to count with. We read library books. We ate honey nut Cheerio’s and I secretly snuck plain Cheerios’ in, too, to cut down on the sugar content of her breakfast. We cut out waffles and replaced it with healthier options. Sugar makes my kids angry. Red dye increases their anger and aggression. So, we’ve cut that junk out. I’ve noticed a huge change in my kids behavior over the last few weeks. If they crave sugar, we give them fruit. I’m done with cakes, cookies, and overloading them with white carbs that just turn into sugar in their bellies. It’s not good for them. It may be ok for other kids, but I can’t take it anymore.

We cuddled. We fed Violet her kale. Hope put her library books and homework in her backpack.

I turned on the T.V. and put on “Captain Underpants.” We’ve been cutting screen time in half. It used to be two hours in the a.m. and I began to notice aggression, post T.V. watching. I limit their T.V. time to a maximum of two hours per day. We do everything possible to avoid screens. So, today, we popped on the T.V. for just an hour, so I could pack Hope and James’ lunch, make myself some detox tea, and cook myself turkey bacon and eggs. I filled up Hope’s water bottle.

Everything had been done. It was time to get ready for school.

“In 5 minutes we will be turning off the T.V. to get ready for school.” I’m certain the kids didn’t even hear me. It’s like they are zombies when watching the tube. It can’t be good for them. After 5 minutes was up, I grabbed the remote and turned off the T.V.

“I hate you.” Hope said aggressively. My head dropped and I was taken back.

I instructed Hope to change clothes and I got clothes ready for James. I mentioned that Hope can’t say she hates me.

“I’m sorry, Mom. Do you forgive me?”

“Yes.”

I was still so upset and confused as to why she said what she said after simply turning off the T.V. Is it because I let them watch too much T.V. or because there was too much  sugar in her Cheerio’s? Or was Hope just in a bad mood?

I’m constantly having to think about the choices made. It can be exhausting. How much sugar is appropriate for a 4 and 6-year-old? How much screen time is appropriate for a 4 and 6-year-old? I’ve read different numbers. Articles mention different amounts. How are we supposed to know which one is the right one? Our pediatrician said 1-2 hours max. I spoke with a friend and she said 5 minutes max, per day. I almost dropped to my knees with guilt after that convo. Holy shit, this summer, I let them watch 3 hours a day. Bad mom, bad mom. Shame. Shame. Shame. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

Mommying is hard.

It’s challenging not to internalize and personalize my daughter’s words. She’s 6. I get it, I’m supposed to be strong, not cry,  not get upset, and let it roll off my back. That’s not who I am. I try so hard. I try even harder. It’s hard. I’ve always been such an emotional being… such a sensitive gal. Mommying will get you to toughen up quick. Our kids are our lessons. I’m getting schooled on a daily basis by my kids. They are here to teach me the lessons I didn’t get as a child. Each day, I grow so much by being their mom.

I got a bit teary eyed thinking of the anger in Hope’s eyes. I wish I could just let it slide off my back as if it didn’t matter. I wish I could have a stronger backbone. I wish I could just let things go. I’m getting better, but I haven’t arrived yet. Perhaps it will be something I work on for the rest of my life.

We got into the car and Hope started screaming that her dress didn’t fit in the car seat. So, she took it off to provide more room in her car seat. She complained the carseat was too tight, even though it’s the same tightness as yesterday. She started kicking and screaming and yelling and hollering and crying. It’s so hard. It’s so hard. James just sat in silence. She complained that her bicycle shorts were too tight. She scratched her arm on the buckle. Her wailing got louder and more intense. The clock just kept ticking. Time doesn’t stop for tantrums or for anything. I felt overwhelmed. I felt sad. When I tried to console Hope, she told me to stop talking, that she was trying to sleep, and I was waking her up.

It’s all attention seeking. Kids will do whatever they can to get attention, positive or negative. Hope is not unique to this. She just wants my attention. She wants love. She wants acceptance. I couldn’t see it at the time because I was stuck in my own head. I was too busy personalizing the “I hate you” comment. I couldn’t let it go. Even after Hope apologized, I couldn’t break loose.

“Do you talk to your teacher like this?” (This infuriated her… ooops)

“No, because she doesn’t try to talk to me as much as you do.” (Who knew that asking too many questions and caring too much was a bad thing? Just curious about what she does while away from me for 8 hours)

“Hope, you can’t tell someone you hate them.” (Bringing something back up after someone has apologized is a huge no no. After your child apologizes, let it go)

“Mom, I already apologized to you for that and you already forgave me. Why do you keep bringing it up?” (100% true)

“Yes, I forgive you, but there is an impact on me. It hurts when you say things like that to me. Why did you say that?” (Trying to understand the underlying reason to prevent it from happening again)

“Because you turned off the T.V. You should have just pressed pause, let us change, and then turned it back on.” (Glad she revealed her true feelings)

“Is that what I should do next time, Hope?” (Learning what to do next time)

“Yes!”

“Ok, I’ll keep that in mind next time.”

“Mom, my stomach hurts. I can’t go to school.” (I suspect anxiety)

“I’m sorry, we should go to the doctor if your stomach hurts each day before school.”

“I don’t want to go to the doctor.” (Fear)

“Well, if you keep having tummy aches we have to go to the doctor.”

I sincerely think that going to school makes Hope a bit uneasy. I think she’s just a little nervous to walk into school in the morning. I think she complains about things because she just wants my love and attention and affection. Instead of giving her love this particular morning, I couldn’t get off of the words, “I hate you.”

It got me thinking: Why is it that she’s not allowed to be in a bad mood? Sometimes, I think I expect more from my daughter than she’s capable of. It’s ok if she’s in a bad mood. I get in bad moods, too. Why is it that I can’t allow my kids to be in bad moods, too? Why is it that I hold standards higher for my daughter than I do for myself? It’s ok that she’s in a bad mood. I could have just remained silent. I could just accept the bad mood instead of pushing her towards being in a better mood. I could have just met her where she was at the time. How would things have been different for me had I just accepted her mood at the time instead of pushing it away and forcing a different outcome?

“Mom, stop talking. Mom, I don’t want to talk. Mom, stop talking. Mom, I don’t want to talk.” (Requesting a breather)

I think kids need time to breathe and relax and be who they are. I think my job is to meet her where she is and ask her this:

“What do you need right now? What can I do for you right now?” (I failed to ask this and next time I will ask this. This question shows empathy and shows that her feelings matter)

I got so in my head about it that I forgot how to handle the situation. It’s ok that kids are in bad moods. They are allowed to be. It doesn’t mean they are mentally unhealthy or that something is wrong or that there is a behavior disorder. Lord knows I have my moments of bad moods and grouchiness. Acceptance is key.

I think being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s constantly a trial and error day in and day out. It’s not until we step away and reflect that we can re-approach our kids and apply what we learn from being away from them. It’s always trying, going back, retrying, and going back over and over again. It grows us, it stretches us, and it teaches us how to be better beings in the world. Our kids are our greatest teachers!

All we can do is our best and what we know works at the time with the skillset and knowledge we have. We can’t take our kids words personally, to heart, or as truth. I often get upset and say things I don’t mean and kids do the same. We apologize and move on. We forgive and then we move on and try over and start over and redo all over again.

I need to allow space for my kids to be who they are and support them in whatever mood  they may be in, but not at the expense of hurting me. There has to be room and space created for boundaries, apologies, and forgiveness.

And so when I pick Hope up at 3:15, I’ll look to her to teach me how to be better at this whole mommying gig. I’ll make space for her to be who she is. I’ll create room for her to be her true self by not pushing her to be someone else.

Motherhood is a lifelong gift of growing and learning, growing more, and relearning. My kids are here to teach me the very lessons I didn’t get as a child.