My Path to Life-long Wellness

I used to stare and admire the pretty gals with the pricey Lululemon leggings and the cute crop tops doing endless amounts of cardio, at the gym, when they really didn’t need to do the cardio in the first place. I used to be intimidated at the free weights with all the mirrors. I’d think I was an inconvenience to the dudes with big muscles. I thought I was in the way or I didn’t belong there in the first place. I used to stare at the beautiful women, with their perky boobs, defined biceps, tight triceps, and perfect cellulite free butts and wish I could look like them.

Because of this intimidation, I took a hiatus from the gym for several years and stuck to hot yoga in an intimate studio. It was safe. I became well-versed in the routine. I did hot yoga with familiar and warm people. I fell in love with all things hot yoga and am still infatuated by it. I will always love it and be thankful for how it changed me from the inside out.  There was no guess-work. There was no judgment. There were no egos. It was all good. I did this for 8 years, on and off and in between my pregnancies and breastfeeding.

In December (2017), I realized that I wasn’t losing weight anymore from hot yoga. My body had plateaued. I wasn’t getting defined muscles that I could see. I was feeling strong and at peace, but I wanted more. I longed for more. I weighed 150 pounds at the end of December, the heaviest I’d been in years. I was tired, unhappy, and my self-esteem had taken a pretty big plunge. My arthritic knees were acting up. Something had to be done. I couldn’t keep up with Hope and James. I was eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without giving it much thought at all. My back ached, my irritable bowel syndrome symptoms were on the rise, and my mama muffin top was out of control. I cringed when I looked in the mirror. All I’d wear were Lularoe leggings to cover up my tummy. I’d wear long shirts to cover my body, ashamed that I’d let myself go, essentially. I was down that I hadn’t chosen to care for my sacred body, this one body. The holiday parties and treats hadn’t helped whatsoever. I’d stuffed my face with everything I could get my hands on.

I’d forgotten that I was in control of what went in my mouth.

I’d forgotten that I was in control of my body.

I’d forgotten that the foods I chose to eat correlated with how I felt physically.

I’d forgotten that the foods I chose to eat affected me mentally.

What I eat and drink affects my mood. It is also responsible for the way my body looks from the outside, especially at the age of 39. I forgot that indulging made me feel like crap from the guilt that settled in after temporarily being satisfied. I was on a hamster wheel and I was ready to get off. I wanted to break my unhealthy cycle.

January 1st, I decided that joining the gym was a good idea. Brian offered to be my personal coach. Brian took me to the gym and took time to show me the different machines and told me which muscle groups he worked out on which days. It was all so much and everyone was so beautiful.

I felt fat.

I felt ugly.

I felt like I didn’t fit in.

I felt out of my comfort zone and wanted to run the other way and go back to my yoga nook. I had already let my membership expire and I wasn’t going to get where I wanted to be by doing what I’d always done. My body was so used to yoga. It needed a change. So… after being away, out of fear, from the gym for years… I decided to go back and make the conscious choice of striving to become more fit and strong.

My goal of being 130 mattered more to me than my fear.

My goal of becoming stronger and more toned mattered more to me than my fear.

My goal of becoming more self-confident mattered more to me than my fear.

My goal of being able to keep up with my kids mattered more to me than my fear.

My friend, Athena, took fitness classes with me and kept me on target. Thanks, Athena! I could easily bail on myself, but wouldn’t bail on my friend. We took: Burn it Off, Spin, Boot Camp, Kinesis, Hot Yoga, and Barre classes.  I learned so much from each class. I learned different exercises I could do on my own.  It started with a little each day. I created a goal of taking a class at least once to determine where I felt my absolute best. I started watching what others were doing and followed various workout programs on Instagram and Facebook to learn more about interval training. I did my research and asked a lot of questions. I took notice as to what others were doing.

My friend, Diana, got me to participate in Arbonne’s 30 Days to Healthy Living challenge. Thanks, Diana!  It was truly hard work. It challenged me on every level and it completely changed my whole life. It changed my relationship with food. It changed everything about the way I ate, drank, and lived.  My whole life turned upside down and I changed my portions, my snacking habits, my meal eating habits, the things I drank, and the way I chose certain foods at the store. I quit coffee, alcohol, gluten, dairy, soy, and corn. I’m still going strong, today! I only eat grass-fed meats, organic veggies, clean fruits, and more. It didn’t take long for my body to shrink when coupled with daily workouts at the gym.

I walk into the gym with excitement these days. I love it. If I discover that I don’t know how to use a machine, I ask. If I discover that I have chosen too much weight, I choose a different weight. I’m not ashamed to ask for help or learn new things. Now, I look around to be inspired. I learn new exercises and new techniques to help achieve my goals of becoming stronger and more toned than the day before. Yes, I notice others strength, beauty, muscles,  but I don’t get transfixed on them. I don’t envy them or become jealous. They are on their own path, as I am on my own path, too. They provide me with inspiration to work harder, to push past my comfort zone, and to diversify my workouts. When I walk up to the free weights with the mirrors, I grab my weights and know I belong. I belong there as much as anyone else belongs there. No one is better than another. We’re all here for the same purpose.

As mentioned above, I weighed 150 pounds in December. I made a goal to be 130 pounds by my 40th birthday, June 30th. I didn’t meet my goal. I’m still not quite there, but I’m so much closer than I was! I’m proud to say I’m 131 pounds, today, and feel so good in my skin. I feel better, today, than I’ve felt in decades. My energy is up. My skin is clear. My husband even said he saw abs the other day. I’ve never had abs. I’ve learned so much on this journey. It’s ok if things take longer than expected. I just need to keep going.  The way to truly succeed is by taking small measurable steps that make sense for me, to stay in my own lane, and to be open-minded to learn along the way from others. I stay the course. I’m intentional and deliberate and I do what I need to do and get out of the gym.

I pay attention at the gym and to my friends that are having success in their eating and workout routines too.  Doing a little each day is what truly changed my body. Slow and steady wins the race. Perhaps what matters more than weight is: my IBS symtoms are gone, my coffee habit is kicked, my arthritis has vanished, my skin is clear, and my anxiety is at an all-time low. It just takes one day at a time, one goal at a time, one step at a time to get where you want to go. Just keep swimming. Just keep learning. Just keep growing.

And on the days it gets hard and I don’t want to make healthy choices or don’t want to go to the gym… I think about my mom, at the age of 70, hobbling around with a walker and a cane, struggling to get up and down. My beloved and sweet mama suffers from Parkinson’s and it is 100% debilitating and an awful disease that affects her respiratory system, her skeletal system, her self-confidence, and everything in between. Her hands shake constantly. She shuffles when she walks. She requires round the clock care 24/7 and has lost her independence and her ability to drive due to dementia. She would go to Wal-Mart and forget how to get home. She struggles to get in and out of bed each night, has to take naps during the day from all of the medication she takes, and gets winded walking to and from the car. I love my good-hearted mama. It’s hard to watch. It’s saddens me that she can’t just hop a plane and come see us. It’s hard when she forgets my kids’ birthdays. It’s hard when she thinks my birthday was May 30th instead of June 30th and I get a card in the mail far too soon. I want different for me. My kids rarely get to see her and the only way we can see her is if we fly to Springfield, AR., rent a car, drive to Mountain Home, AR., stay in a hotel, and the list goes on and on.  I want to have a strong  spine for the rest of my life, a toned and strong core for the rest of my life, a sharp brain that is challenged on a daily basis for the rest of my life. It’s quite possible that I could inherit her dementia, but maybe I can prevent the Parkinson’s disease by taking time to exercise 5 days a week, a little each day, and by eating clean from now on. I want to keep up with my children and my children’s children. My mom can’t keep up, doesn’t remember their birthdays, and can’t get on a plane due to debilitating anxiety. I ache for her. I want to have long-lasting energy, stamina for days, increased drive, alertness, aliveness, and be full of life for the rest of my life.  I want to be completely involved in my children’s lives and that of my grandchildren’s lives by being of service to them. I have goals. I have dreams. I have ambitions. I have aspirations. I want to fly or drive, on a whim, to see my children and surprise them just because and pick up my grandchildren from school, run after them at the park, scoop them up, and cover them with wet kisses. I want to make memories with them. I want to be present in their lives for the rest of my life. That’s the life I’m working towards and creating each and every time I step foot in the gym and push through my comfort zone with determination to get stronger, more toned, and more defined. I’m declaring that my health is of the utmost importance, that my daily work towards more strength matters to me, my husband, my children, and my future grandchildren.