There is no Such Thing as a Person Being a P- – – y

James hit his elbow on his car seat as we were approaching a stoplight. Big tears streamed down his sweet face. I offered my sweater for comfort. He accepted my offer. Arcadia High School had just released for the day. Kids were walking on the sidewalk, alongside our car. James turned his head, as he did not want to be seen crying. Then, he covered his face with my sweater.

“Son, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to cry. Let me see your face.”

He removed my hot pink sweater from his face and remained with his head looking all the way to the left, away from the students walking by. It made me sad that he didn’t feel he could be seen crying. There’s nothing wrong with crying. In fact, I think it takes great courage to cry and express how we are truly feeling, especially when those feelings aren’t happy ones.

“To cry is to be strong, James. It’s ok.”

One thing I loved about my mom, before she became mentally ill, was she encouraged me to express myself, to be an openly feeling person- to say what I was authentically feeling on the inside and not be afraid of how it was received from others… to be true to who I am no matter what. I carried that with me and have always been pretty forthcoming about my emotions and feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am reactive and emotional and sensitive and a deep feeling individual. I embrace it and have taught my kids to be true to who they are no matter the cost. I’m an open book and have nothing to hide. Sometimes it has served me well and other times, I’d have saved myself heartache had I remained silent. I don’t know how not to be forth coming, vulnerable, and out there. To be real and transparent gives others permission to be real and transparent more comfortably, too. Rarely do I remain quiet about much of anything. I teach my kids the same. Speak your truth.

After telling James it was ok to cry, I played “Everybody Hurts,” by R.E.M. I sang the lyrics nice and loud and thought of what the words meant. Sometimes songs can relay messages in ways we can’t. Music is a huge part of my life. I sang the “everybody cries” part super loud, only to realize all that crying had wiped my son right out. He was passed out with my sweater on his head.

He’d learned to hide his tears somewhere other than our home, maybe at school, because I encourage tears and emotion. Get it out! I just hope he knows he can cry. I never ever tell my kids to stop crying. I think it’s detrimental to promptly stop our kids from showing their true feelings. My kids have witnessed me crying many times and I talk it through with them.

Sometimes we cry because we see something incredibly beautiful, are overcome with emotion, and our eyes can’t help but well up with tears. Other times, we see something that is such an injustice that we can’t help but get angry, sometimes to the point of crying. A perfect example of this was the night Trump won and I was drinking margaritas with B at a bar. The more votes he got, the more I drank. And then at the very end, I put my head on the edge of the bar and cried big fat tears that the woman I so hoped would win didn’t. Fuck you electoral vote. Other times, I’ve cried for others, the suffering others endure without my ability to fix it. I just want to make it all better.

We can’t talk about supporting our kids feelings without talking about how you express your feelings (or don’t) as a parent. Expressing your feelings in a real way is vital for our children to see. They are intertwined and your children will react to themselves and others the way you choose to react to yourself and others. They are sponges.

For example, my mom has anxiety attacks multiple times a day and often calls me mid-attack and says she’s hot, overwhelmed, and worried about Vince having to have hospice come in and take care of him in the a.m. It now takes two people to care for him. Her anxiety saddens me, the fact that she goes through this daily truly breaks my heart. On top of the anxiety, her dementia is getting worse. It’s hard for me to witness. It’s hard for me to carry. So when Hope caught me crying, in the bathroom, the other day, she said, “Mama, why are you crying?”

“Baby, Grandma Jan is having a hard time & it makes mama very sad. May I have hug?”

She hugged me big.

If I had a single wish, I would wipe away mental illness (1st & foremost), as it has straight up ruined so many of my loved ones lives and created suffering in those that have to witness it. It does not get easier. I have mad coping skills. It does not get easier.

My wand would also wipe out Parkinson’s disease, as it has taken away my mom’s ability to walk without struggling to breathe and made my mom shake so much she needs 24 hour in home care by a certified nurse. I’d erase dementia with a single swipe of my wand, as it is the devil. It’s stolen my mom’s inner and outer joy, her memory, and has robbed my mom of her driving ability and her mathematical abilities. She often forgets what month I was born in, how old I am, how old my kids are, their birthdays, how to get home from Wal-Mart, and the conversations she’s participated in from one day to the next.

I want so very badly for my mom to be happy, but no matter how cheery or positive or uplifting or kind or funny I am on the phone, it’s no use. I try so hard and get nowhere fast. It’s as if she’s sitting around waiting to die and allowing her medical ailments to take over her entire life and happiness. It’s heart-wrenching. It rips my heart out. I just keep going. I just keep trying. I just keep loving. I just keep smiling. There is pain behind my smile. & I’ll be damned if I’ll hide my sadness from my kids. The only way through pain is to walk through it, even if you are clenching your teeth the whole entire way. You have to walk through it. You have to. Find someone’s hand to hold abs walk through the pain. Give your feelings a voice.

& if you were raised in a home where they didn’t ‘do’ vulnerability, you were taught to squash your feelings and slap a smile on no matter what, and brought up with the “I’m fine” syndrome, you better learn how to express your feelings openly and honestly, because to continue that dysfunctional cycle is do a massive disservice to your little people. Learn how to express your feelings. Learn how to show empathy. Learn how to meet your kids where they are. Do it for them, but more so… do it for you. When you can express your truth, it’s a huge relief and a massive breath of fresh air. I promise it’ll be worth it!

Was in Fry’s the other day. A dad yelled at his son to stop crying or they were going to leave the store. Dude, why do you have to stop your son from letting out his feelings? We’re so concerned about how it will make us look. How about how you look when you are yelling at your innocent child in front of Fry’s customers? You look like dick.

You know the phrases I’m talking about:

“Coward!”
“Buck up!”
“You’re acting like a sissy!”
“What are you… chicken?”
“You’re weak!”
“Don’t be a pussy!”
“Brush it off!”
“You’re too big to act like this!”
“Stop acting like a baby!”
“You’re fine”
“Stop crying”
“I’ll give you something to cry about!”
“It’s not THAT big of a deal”
“Be a big boy!”
“Don’t be a baby!”
“What’s the BIG deal?”
“Big boys don’t cry!”
“You’re being dramatic!”
“It’s not that deep!”
“You’re exaggerating!”
“Stop being so emotional!”
“Suck it up, Buttercup!”
“Time to put on your big girl panties!”
“Put a lid on it!”

These are just phrases off the top of my head that I’ve heard, & been guilty of saying myself, at times! Most of these phrases undermine our children’s feelings or invalidate them altogether. Our children’s feelings are valid and matter every single time, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. & don’t you, for a single moment, try to water them down. Kids need to know they are heard and seen, no matter what, no matter how crazy it may seem. That never changes, despite age. We’re their parents and we are responsible for being their soft place to fall and their safe haven.

The best we can do is show empathy at the time in whatever way makes sense. We’re not going to get it right every single time. We’re going to fail and get back up over and over and over again. But we get up. We do our best. And when we fail to honor our kids feelings we apologize and make it right.

We can mirror their feelings and show we care. We demonstrate how we want our children to be with others in the world to make a better world for us all. Too much of the time we want to stop our children from feeling the feelings they feel and we need to let them feel and give them a platform to do so.

We were at a soccer game. There was a boy and his dad. The boy fell. The boy started crying. He was legitimately crying. He’d bumped his elbow hard.

“Brush it off and get back in the game, Son!” His dad shouted from the sidelines. The dad sat in his foldable chair and failed to comfort his son. It saddened me a bit. What lesson did this dad teach his son?

The boy wiped away his tears and followed his dad’s directions. It was as if his boy’s reaction was not permissible, acceptable, or wrong.

I remember feeling so sad for the boy. I recall shaking my head. We have to allow our kids to cry, to show emotion, to let them feel their feelings, and we have to provide a safe and comforting place to allow it. Stop squashing feelings. Stop making them wrong. Stop forcing outcomes. Let your babies be. It is our job, as parents, to permit our children to express themselves in ways that make sense to them, to be their soft place to fall. How we react to them is how they will react to others in their communities in the future. If we write them off, they too will write others off. If we meet them with compassion, love, empathy, & understanding, they will, most likely, do the same for others in their own neighborhoods, communities, and worlds.

And if boys cry, it does NOT make them pussies. Crying is an expression of emotion. It makes them feeling human beings. We’ve got to let go of this bullshit that boys have to be tough. We have to support our children in all their ups, downs, and all their in-betweens. It takes guts to show vulnerability, to let our guards down, and to give our feelings a voice. It takes courage, bravery, and strength to speak our truth.

When we shut our kids emotions down, they store them in their bellies. & that continual storage, push down, save face mentality has to go somewhere! There is a gigantic impact and it’s not a good one. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, a therapist, a psychiatrist, or a child expert to know when we don’t allow emotions to be properly expressed and we push them down and don’t speak our truth, those suppressed emotions, over time, will manifest themselves into anger, rage, self-harm, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, or worse… suicide.

The time is now to let our children be who they are and for us to meet them where they are. Don’t halt your children’s emotions, but rather support them! And for the love of God, please stop hiding your emotions too. Let that shit go. Stop pretending and keep it real. Be authentic. Be real. Be truthful. There’s enough b.s. in the world… don’t add to it!