The Healing is in the Revealing

Most that know me well already know this about me. They discovered before I did. Ya know that thing that creeps up inside of you that you don’t want anyone else to know about, the thing that if others knew, it would make you squirm. I’ve discovered the only way to get through things is to talk about them, to give them a voice, or to write them down. The healing lives in the revealing of your truth. If we hold onto our pain, it will bubble over into the very relationships we care so deeply about. When we shelf our pain, it haunts us until we face it head on.

I fell in love. I fell head over heels.  It wasn’t the fake kind or the cliché kind. It was real. I would have done anything for him. I bent over backwards to be all that I could be to keep him and it worked for a little bit until it didn’t. He was smart, cute, charming, and funny and I was mesmerized by the very view of him. He’d pull up to my house in his car and I would melt, literally.

I so badly wanted him to feel the same way about me that I felt about him. It never ever felt equal to me. I was always going overboard and he was loving me as best he could. I thought I could love him enough for the two of us, but I was wrong.

The truth is people feel what they feel and no matter what you do, what you wear, how much weight you lose, how funny you try to be, you can’t make anyone else love you, stay with you, or want to marry you. You can’t force it, you can’t fit a square into a rectangle. I fell so hard I didn’t even know what hit me.

He cheated.

Despite how much attention I gave him, despite how pretty I looked, no matter how charming I tried to be… he went astray.  I so badly wanted to be all that he wanted me to be. I dug deep to discover what I’d done to make him kiss someone else. I searched, I analyzed, I psycho analyzed, I picked at myself, and then I shelved the pain. I didn’t deal with it. I didn’t talk about it. I didn’t cry much. I moved on. & when we move onto another relationship before we fully heal, our next love interest suffers. & others for sure suffered from my broken, unhealed heart. It was hard.

We make choices in life. And those choices are up to us and are because of anyone else. I think I smothered him and I’m certain that only pushed him further away.  I tried too hard, I admired too much, and I obsessed for too long. I belive I pushed him right out the door. I do that. I start to feel someone I care deeply about pulling away from me, ever so slightly, and then it pushes me to try harder. It’s not becoming. I wanted to win him over, to swoon them, and to keep him all to myself forever.

Nothing I did got him back. It hurt me. I wanted him back. I wanted him to love me the way I loved him. I wanted him to notice how deeply I cared and reciprocate those feelings. It didn’t matter. It sickens me, but looking back…  I think she was funnier, more relaxed, more playful, and more athletic than I ever was. My hunch is he wanted out of my boa constrictor hold. He didn’t know how to get out. I was suffocating him. I do that sometimes.

So here’s the reveal… that thing that I so don’t want anyone to know about, but people know anyway:  how I feel about myself has been based on what others feel or say about me. My whole life has been about what others think, feel, and say. I’d look to them to see how to feel about me. The truth is… if  I sense someone doesn’t like me, it eats me up inside. I search high and low, inside of myself, to figure out why I’m not of interest to them. The further away they drift… the harder I try to reel them back in. It’s exhausting. It’s annoying. It’s frustrating. It’s ineffective.

Many are brought up to believe that their worth and value and good-ness is inside of them and that no one on the outside holds the power to take it away. I was not raised that way. I was raised to people please until. People please until they are happy- do whatever needs to be done to appease them, make them like you, be your best, and put on a pretty face. I have done that all my life and it has only worked in my detriment. I’ve done things I have not wanted to do to gain approval. I’ve stayed far too long in unhealthy relationships with people I knew were not right for me because them liking me mattered more to me than anything else. I wanted to be liked and loved, didn’t want them to  think I was a bitch, and/ or to think ill of me. I’ve bent over backwards for years to try to fit in and be friends with those that come across as not liking me much.

Sadly, I’ve spent so much time trying to please those that aren’t fans of me, that the people who are right here loving me have suffered. All the while, they’ve been right here waiting for my attention, love, and affection. It’s sad.

I catch myself trying to win people over by not being true to myself. I find that I look at people in the best light, instead of looking at them for who they really are. I’ve made people out to be celebrities in my head, when really they are simply imperfect human beings. I’ve held them up on pedestals made of gold when they absolutely didn’t deserve to be held in such prestigious ways. I’ve loved too much. I’ve tried too hard. I’ve cared too much.

I’ve obsessed over why he chose to cheat on me, why I wasn’t worth marrying, why I was so disposable, and why he could so easily kiss someone else. I’ve held on to my past for years and years and years, so tightly. And the grip has to be set free. It happened because it happened because it happened. That’s it.  No hidden agenda. It’s over and it happened and that’s it.

I have to let go.

I have to let go.

I have to let go.

It hurt so bad that I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen at all. The pain was so deep that I wanted to look away from it, instead of walk through it. Facing it was too hard.

I’m tired of giving others the power to decide who I am. I’m a good mom. I’m a great runner. I’m a talented artist. I’m a woman who wears her whole heart on her entire sleeve. I am emotional and get moved to tears in a New York minute. I love hard. I care deeply. I get hurt easily and I have had my heart-broken into a million pieces more than once, but the alternative to not being your true fully expressed self is the world misses out on your gifts, talents, & strengths. I’ve concluded that I’d rather not be liked for my absolute true self than loved completely for someone I try to be.

I gave my power away in high school. I made up a story that I got cheated on because I wasn’t good enough. That story was created by me, by my own imagination. & that story is a story. It’s not true. People do what they do because of themselves not because of others. Period. The sooner we grasp that concept, the sooner we heal.

So the alternative to shelving our pain is acceptance. When we accept things as they are, we are set free of the shackles that keep us held hostage. Just accept what happens as a part of your life and deal with the pain in a healthy way. Don’t run from it, don’t bury it, don’t deny it. It’ll make us sick. It’ll make us suffer. Just accept it. Recognize it and move on.

Of course I fell in love again. I fell hard all over again. Really really hard.

After 5 years, he left, too, because he didn’t want to marry me. The unhealthy cycle started all over again.  I hadn’t fully dealt with the pain from high school. I hadn’t healed the pains before him. & when we don’t heal and stop the patterns from happening, they happen over and over again until the lesson is learned.

I’m not a victim, I’m a victor, but I’ve played the victim card for so long that the world has no other choice but to situate itself to bring about on situations and circumstances to prove my victimness. When you can free yourself from being a victim, you free yourself from bringing about situations and circumstances that allow you to play the role of victim.

I’m 40 and it took me this long to recognize this super unhealthy  pattern of looking outside of myself to find my worth. My worth is not outside of me, it’s within me. I can’t allow another person to determine whether I matter or not. I matter. I always have and I always will.

Don’t put your worth in the hands of those around you so they can knead you in their hands like a little ball of clay and have all the power and control. You decide who you are. You carry it in your own pocket. Hold your own hand and know you are good because you are a creation of God. & when someone challenges your goodness, pull that hand back and place it over your heart and remind your good ole’ self who you really are.