The Unfillable Bucket

I have noticed this pattern lately. Maybe it’s been there all along.

I get excited about something and then it loses its luster like a diamond ring that gets dirty. Has that happened to you?

You get so excited about a new job and then… BAM… you get fired out of nowhere. That happened to me when I took a preschool position a few years ago. It was bullshit. I was so excited and then after paying a zillion dollars for all the documentation, purchasing the ugly uniform, and getting my tax paperwork together, I got fired. I was devastated. I struggled for weeks wondering what I’d done to have earned being fired. I think I’m still wondering why. My ego had been bruised. My bucket was not full.

I was in network marketing, in an anti-aging company. I spent hours in meetings, a lot of time posting before and after photos, and nagging my friends to sample our new products. I met a lot of rad people and spent money on more than one conference showcasing the zillionaires. It didn’t work out for me. My input was much higher than my output. I quit. My bucket was not full.

I thought I’d make a great coach, so I became one. I thought I had it down. I thought I was really good. One person told me I wasn’t and I made their words more important than my beliefs about myself. After more than a year in the program, I quit. I quit because someone was an asshole and told ME I was a sucky coach. Deep inside I KNEW he was wrong. My bucket was not full.

I have wanted to write a book for years. I wrote one and even had it edited, but I’m terrified that it won’t be successful and I’ll feel that all-too-familiar emptiness inside. What if it doesn’t make the bestseller list? What if I own 10 boxes of my book and the boxes collect dust and become a piece of furniture in our home? I’m also fearful that it will become wildly popular and all my vulnerabilities that I’ve held so near and dear to my heart will be exposed, you know those parts of yourself that are so deep down you tell nearly no one? That’s my book. B says I should do what I fear. He is a man of his word. Every morning, he puts on his swim trunks, grabs a towel, puts on a beanie, and heads outdoors to our pool. He stays in the pool as long as he can stand it. I always ask why and he says, “because I don’t want to.”

I thought selling art would be a good idea. So, I spent nights with my various paint brushes and acrylic paints and I made abstract art. Oh how I love to paint. I can think of very few things I love more than painting. It brought me joy and happiness and I felt most like me when I painted. I tried to sell my art and was unsuccessful. Maybe my style didn’t appeal to the masses. I stopped painting. B put up gutters in our house to hold my artwork. Every day I’d walk in and see my artwork. I got sick of looking at it, so I threw it all in the garbage. B took it all out and put it back. When he was at work, after an art sale (and selling nothing), I threw it all in the garbage. I wish I hadn’t done that because art is always a gift, even if not a single person buys it. My bucket was not filled up.

I notice this pattern of me going from one job to the next, one hobby to the next, one activity to the next, convinced this will be THE one thing that will fill up my empty bucket inside. I have spent years looking outside of me to fill up my insides. I’ve looked to others to say I’m enough or ‘that-a-girl.’ I’m still waiting.

Are you guilty of this too? Do you look outside of you to get fulfilled inside? I do it over and over again and I allow the discomfort to win. I let the fear win. I let the not-good-enough ego creep in and I believe it over my soul. Do you do this, too?

The thing about cycles and patterns is when you notice them, you can stop them in their tracks. Lately, I’ve taken up this FARMASI gig and it’s a blast. I feel like I can be creative, innovative, and inventive using fun brushes and colors I usually wouldn’t put together to create fun looks with makeup. Maybe this is something I’ll stick with, even when it gets sticky, hard, and there are zero likes.

I hope you know you are good enough and no person, outside of you, can fulfill your insides, can fill up that bucket inside of you. That bucket has to be filled up by you. You have to figure out ways to feel good about what you do every single day.

I know I need to write my book because I think about it every single day. Writing is my jam and I’ve been doing it since I was 15. My kids bring me joy and fill my soul with love. Being creative with makeup is fun and brings me confidence. I hope you know you never have to look outside of you for good-enough-ness or worth. It’s inside of you. Instead of seeking so much, start accepting.

Stop running away the second it gets uncomfortable. Just keep going and just keep trying and put one foot in front of the other. You are enough and you have to believe that.

For the record, don’t ever throw away anything you’ve created, because if nothing else, it’s a piece of you attempting to make the world a more beautiful place. Believe me, we need beauty.