Healing Trauma: Celebrating Small Wins Every Day

by Melissa Rosella

Most recently, I wrote a post about healing trauma. It appeared trauma was something that was easy to heal. Quite the opposite. Healing is ongoing, a daily obtaining, and a lifelong commitment. You will have small setbacks. You will also have little wins along the way. Your setbacks will turn out to be setups for something better. There is no arrival, only better than the day before. I suggest staying in your own lane and celebrating the little wins along the way.

It took me decades to unravel my ball of yarn. I needed time to untangle the trauma I experienced. I also had to find out how my trauma has translated in (good and bad ways) in my relationships. I encourage you to work with a licensed therapist. Together, pinpoint what sets you back in life. Discover the causes of your destructive patterns. These patterns prevent you from living your best life. I hope you find a new way of moving that is more healing than hurting.

go to therapy

My first therapy session was at 15, right after Mama was admitted to a mental institution for schizophrenia. I was broken and therapy helped me feel seen, as I’d felt invisible for quite some time.

I’m certain it will make you feel better, regardless of age, circumstance, or season of life. I’m 46 and I attend therapy, regularly, (sometimes twice a week.)

Do you attend therapy? Do you find it helpful?

find supportive peeps

My late stepfather (for whom I have forgiven) blamed me for my mother’s mental illness. Mom was removed from our home, via police officers, and placed in a mental institution. Schizophrenia is an awful mental disorder that wrecked havoc on our family.

Thankfully, I found solace when I moved in with my wonderful bonus mom and beloved father (Indiana.) They offered safety, predictability, warmth, compassion, understanding, and empathy. Seek people, places, and spaces that offer a helping hand. Not all people will want to be of service to you, but keep going until you find your peeps.

Find friends that make you feel good inside and out. True friends will listen, hug, and be there for you, especially when life is hard as hell. They will give an empathetic ear and a soft place to fall. They’ll tell you the truth, even if hard to hear.

What friends can you surround yourself with that will propel you ahead? What friends do you need to move away from that are pulling you down?

exercise on the regular

I have a love affair with hot yoga. I started attending over 20 years ago and have been an addict ever since. Yoga heals. I have a friend that swears by Pilates. Another attends Zumba. You find what exercise best suits you and do it regularly to heal your mind, body, heart, and soul. I’ll be doing yoga until I can no longer.

What form of exercise makes you happiest?

find hobbies

It’s important to find something outside of work that you love to do. Discover hobbies you get lost in. Forget time exists. Do it with joy in your heart and a pep in your step.

Writing is mine. I’ve been writing since a blonde boy ripped my heart out at 15 and I needed a place to vent. It heals me from the inside out, outside in.

Art, specifically painting, is my jam. To see a blank canvas and create something from nothing is fun. Mixing colors and making new tints and shades is exciting. Getting messy is where it’s at.

What are your hobbies?

find childhood trauma (alongside a licensed therapist)

This is a toughie for me, as I was recently told I have a love addiction by my therapist. I thought my heart was just too big for my chest and I was an empath. Both are true…. AND I am a recovering love addict.

In the past, I would not take no for an answer. Rejection killed me. By golly, I’d chase you down the street. I’d become a chameleon so you’d choose me. I would do what it took to get your attention. I’d bend over backwards to ‘get’ you to like me. I was once so desperate for a man to love me. I even asked him to place me on his wait list. Cringe and true story.

I’ve had a tendency to suck the life out of people. In the past, I’ve required a lot of reassurance and attention. (Silver lining: I give a lot of reassurance and attention in return.)

I wasn’t born this way. I’ve learned these ways of being stem from childhood trauma. As a child, I often felt ignored, unimportant, and unseen. I pulled out all the stops for attention, even a little sliver of it. I desperately craved attention from anyone and everyone I ran across. It was a survival and coping mechanism I utilized to survive. I never knew when I would get my next surge of attention. Because of this uncertainty, I wrapped around others like a boa constrictor.

Now that I’m an adult, I’ve learned this no longer serves me. I need not try so hard to get attention. This often has the opposite impact on others.

1.) go to a therapist

2.) together, find your current ways of being that can be tied back to childhood trauma (patterns and cycles)

3.) Work a plan to choose different ways of being to break cycles, stop patterns, and make choices that best serve you

4.) Continue attending therapy to heal. The journey is challenging. You will face a multitude of setbacks. There will be little mistakes and small wins. Expect steps ahead, but also two steps back, and so on and so forth. Real talk: you are an imperfect human being. Default patterns are deeply ingrained. They take a very long time to unravel and change. With consistency and careful guidance with your therapist, you will get better. You will have different results. Please follow your therapist’s advice to heal. I learned the hard way.

find out what love means for you

Recently found love again. Love feels effortless. Love feels beautiful. Love doesn’t hurt and calms the nervous system. Put your hand over your heart. If you don’t feel a sense of calm in the relationship you’re in, it may be time to reconsider it.

What I’ve learned love ISN’T: having to change who you are to ‘get’ someone to ‘love’ you. If another says ‘no’ to you, my trauma response would tell me to try harder. It would make me push more, text more, and convince more. I’d lean in further, change my appearance, and be less loud. I’d try to get skinnier, try a little harder, and be a little better. I’d also strive to be more loving, and more. What would your trauma response tell you to do? This is not love. It is the opposite.

Honor their ‘no.’ Walk away and don’t lean in further. It’s not our job to find out why they don’t want us; to investigate where we went wrong. {Them telling us we are too much, simply means they are not enough.}

We dishonor ourselves (over and over and over again) when we try to convince them of our greatness. Picture choosing to walk into a dagger over and over and over again. We low self-esteemed folk assume it’s us to blame. We think we must not be ( blank ) enough for them. Stop now. Listen to this: it’s just not a good fit. It has nothing to do with you, personally.

Don’t: dishonor their ‘no.’ Avoid over-communicating. Believe them the first time. Don’t double text or chase. Avoid getting implants or changing your appearance. Don’t run towards goal posts they continuously set. Stay true to yourself. Avoid hoop jumping only for them to create more hoops. It is a never-ending cycle. Don’t make excuses for them. Don’t take on all the blame or shame yourself. Don’t let them flip the script so you are the only one being held accountable. Finally, avoid doing things that are against your moral compass.

Love feels easy, good, relieving, and relaxing. There will be kinks and working through them is love. Love looks like: holding their hair when they have stomach flu. Taking them to urgent care when they can’t stop coughing. Asking if your doors are locked to be sure you are safe and sound. Checking to be sure you are ok. Not letting a single day go by without telling your partner how beautiful they are. Flowers just because. Going the extra mile for them. Check in texts throughout the day. Listening to them when things aren’t so great. Putting a heating pad on their tummy when they don’t feel so good.

What is love to you? In what ways do others show they love you? What would it look like to be loved the right way in your eyes?

The test: Would you feel proud if your daughter (or son) dated a romantic partner like the one you have? Would you feel happy and excited? If you hesitate, reconsider your person. If you don’t, maybe it’s a good fit after all.

work

On average you spend 40 hours a week at work. Do what you love; love what you do. Oh the joy I feel when I get to work. I see the faces of preschool children. I feel their hugs and experience their love. I live for it. Doing what sets your soul on fire, what gets your butt out of bed, daily, is what it’s all about. If you don’t like work, consider a change, or a different position where you already work. Your work environment matters. If it’s toxic, it will bleed onto you and you must decide if that is what you want to continue. If you are lucky, you will go to work and be around folks that inspire you to be your best. You will be surrounded by peeps that push you to learn more. They will encourage you to grow and discover new truths. I love my job and love what I do. Living in your purpose, your calling, and doing what you were designed to do, matters. Making a difference in the lives of others builds your confidence. It boosts your self-esteem and enhances your worth.

family

If a family member makes you feel less than, take a break from them. It’s really really really hard. Protecting your peace, at all costs, preserves your mental health.

I have this thing about being liked. I have this thing about people liking me. I can’t let people go and I just bring them along.

I just learned to block people this year.

I’ve struggled for years (trauma response.) I put people on pedestals of greatness and ignore the red flags, but sometimes, Beloved, the red flags outweigh the green and walking away, from what no longer serves you, is the very best way to protect your peace. Sometimes holding onto them, will drown you; your try at keeping them warm, will set you on fire. Always choose yourself. It’s hard, but we can do hard things.

Maybe, you can check back in to see if they are going to be kind. You can rebuild something new. Alternatively, you have to set yourself free from them permanently to live your greatest life.

I’ve cut loose of five humans this year (one of them was family.) I feel free.

They didn’t have my best interest at heart. One person called me disgusting and vile names. They said: ‘you are a waste of air.’ They mentioned (via text) they would ‘spit on my grave’ and even laughed about my mother being dead.

These people are not good for your mental health or your well-being. Walk away is in your best interest.

Invite those that love you close. Your subconscious mind knows who is safe and who isn’t. Choose the safe ones. Choose the ones that make you feel good on the inside.

From my heart to yours, I hope you find a sliver of healing here. I’m a work in progress. When we are vulnerable, we open up. By speaking our truth aloud, we create space for others. It loses its hold on us just a little bit.