aging

Recently had a photo shoot & I noticed the picture of our beautiful little family. I noticed my obvious smile lines & laugh lines & crow’s-feet & that line between my eyes & those ugly forehead lines that have not softened a single bit despite my best anti-aging cream efforts. Life shows on my face, the ups & downs of life, my life radiates through my face, towards the world. I’m living & it shows. Isn’t that a blessing & a gift?! I mentioned my imperfections to my good friend, she just so happened to be the one that took our pics. She did not agree with my comments. She mentioned it was her favorite photo of us & that I just looked really happy. Maybe all those lines are proof that I’ve loved & lost & cried & giggled & laughed out loud & been moved to tears by the ups & downs, bumps, twists, & turns of my life. Maybe it’s ok to let my hair go a little & not dye it so often, to let my natural color shine through to match my brows. I have forgotten what my real hair looks like because I’ve spent so long covering it up, maybe it’s not so bad. My hands are wrinkled & creased & no longer as young-looking. I’ve lived a lot in 38 years & been through so much. There is so much left to do & be & see. I have so much more to do in this life of mine. I don’t really need to get my toes polished, especially in the winter. It’s sort of a waste of money & time for me. I’d rather be reading under my blanket in a silent home, with nothing to do, nowhere to be, with nothing expected of me, & w/o being asked the average 500 questions children ask per day. I want breathing space. I want room to just be. I hide behind coverup & foundation & powder bc even though others can’t see the years & years of blemish scars that have caused bitty purple dots, that is what I see when I look in the mirror. Proof again that I’ve lived & I’ve lived imperfectly. Ain’t life beautiful?! My daughter’s porcelain & new & unwearied & smooth skin. The skin of a 4-year-old is pure Heaven. She’s only been here for 4.5 years- her skin is delicate like china. Smooth & unblemished & unharmed & so carefree & innocent. Thankful for her. We spend our lives trying to look younger & skinnier & smaller & more polished & more natural & perkier & less saggy. It’s freaking exhausting. What if we spent our time embracing the natural progression of life & the inevitable- the soft body, the wrinkles, the dimpling, the cellulite, the sagging breasts?! Shame is created when we try to hide & conceal & be something other than who we truly are. At least it does for me. Not wearing spandex or spanx anymore. It sucks & it’s uncomfortable & it inhibits my eating ability. Just going to rock what I got. I’m just going to rock my loaded potato soup loving body with a smile, a red lip, glitter, & my favorite heels. Going to be grateful for me & this life & this moment bc it’s all we really have. Why hide behind the natural aging process?