mommying is hard

Watched a video, today, that revealed my true feelings about being a mother. I watched it & instantly felt a connection, but it’s a hard realization to admit out loud, like a lump in my throat, or words I’m afraid to make public because maybe someone will mistake my feelings for being less grateful for this unbelievable gift & blessing of motherhood. The loneliness is excruciatingly painful at times. The emptiness of giving all of yourself & getting zero back, is sometimes too much for me to bear. When I need a hug, I long for an adult connection, the physical feeling of meaningful arms wrapped around me & embracing me, if even for a single moment, to remind me I still exist- that I am not merely an extension of my children, but rather a whole being- a walking, talking, & breathing being that, too, has needs that matter & require attention. There are moments I am too tired for the daily grind- the to & fro driving, the sibling rivalry, the mountains of laundry that will no doubt stare me in the face, once again, & remind me that I shoulda woulda coulda done it, yesterday, but I was too busy making a beautiful mess with glitter & ornaments & scissors & glue guns & holiday glitzy cards to bother with the boring laundry that has become a fixed piece of furniture in our home. The clean clothes baskets have lined the walls for weeks. To be honest, I’d rather just go buy new clothes because I hate doing laundry. I wonder, at times, if I worked outside the home if I’d be seen more, recognized more, & acknowledged more for what I do. Sometimes I miss the company of a familiar face, a hug for no reason, a smile, or a compliment. I wonder if it is better out there. Here, I notice all I don’t do & I stare at it & worry over what is not done because motherhood & mama duties aren’t checked off a list- they are little invisible seemingly nothings that are a great big deal. I think when we stay home, we are expected to do more & be more & some people roll their eyes when we complain because I guess they think this shindig is easy peasy lemon squeezy. & it absolutely is easy, some days, but today I am lonely. James sleeps & I long for a nap to rest my weary head of all the shoulda woulda coulda’s that encircle my mind. I have to learn to put those voices in my head to rest & know these years are pivotal & this work is meaningful & I’m seen- just in a different kind of way.