Enough is Enough is Enough is Enough is Enough is Enough

I saw Winston on our commute to drop Hope off at school. He stood on the corner holding a cardboard sign. I saw Winston on our way home from scooping Hope- same corner, same sign. His belongings were neatly configured in a pile. It reminded me of Tetrus. He had a miniature American flag wedged right smack in the middle of his things. I wondered if he was a veteran. We went on a Zoe’s hummus run and passed Winston for the third time. He looked a little more worn down and was pacing back and forth, back and forth as cars wheezed by not noticing. I wondered how many others had passed him by on their commute, their return home, or their lunch run. I bet he feels alone. I bet he’s lonely. I bet he needs a friend. If only someone would notice his existence and not just pass him by.

I told the kids Winston needed food. They were excited to help select a nice meal for Winston. He was standing at a Chick- fil- A corner. Fried food wears us down, so we decided Zoe’s was a healthier option. We chose a steak kabob, a chicken kabob, a side salad with lots of colorful veggies & a Smart water. I don’t think Smart water makes anyone smarter, but water from the tap in Arizona tastes terrible. Winston needed fresh cold water that would help him stay hydrated in the hot Arizona sun. I mentioned our kind deed to the cashier and, with tears in his eyes, he told me I was kind. I don’t think I’m kinder than my fellow-man… just weighs very heavy on my heart to see a person that is hungry when I have the God-given ability to eat what I’d like, when I’d like, as often as I’d like. I also have the choice and spirit to bless others. What a privilege. Winston didn’t have that choice on that particular day for whatever reason. I carefully carried his meal to the car. We hopped in eager to give our friend a warm and healthy meal and to make his day a little brighter. I hoped it wasn’t too late.

We arrived and it looked as though Winston was ready to throw in the towel. He’d been pacing and holding his handmade sign for hours upon hours upon hours, just waiting to be seen. He just wanted to be seen. I hopped out of my car leaving the kids only a few feet away.

I approached Winston with pure joy in my heart. I looked him right in the eyes. My dad taught me to look at people in the eyes and to speak to them with love, kindness, and compassion.

“Hi… are you hungry?” I hugged Winston and not the halfway kind, the bear hug kind. I wanted him to know that I saw him as a human being, not as a sign holder, on a corner, on a street.

“Yes.”

I handed over the Zoe’s bag.

He didn’t say thank you.

It bothered me.

“Do you have $2 for the bus?” he asked eagerly.

I couldn’t help but notice he had only one single tooth and it was barely hanging on and it was dark black. The way he asked sounded very desperate, as if he needed to get somewhere fast. I hesitate to hand out cash to the homeless because I’m not sure it will be used for what is truly need. I wonder if it will be used for the very things that will only decrease their health, physically and mentally: alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs. I had no way to be sure, but my gut said the money would be used for something other than transportation. With food, I know I’m providing something much-needed, even if momentarily.

“No, I don’t carry cash. I guess I could go get some.” He got excited when I mentioned I could go get cash. I immediately regretted saying it because I wanted the food to be enough. I felt emotionally depleted, as I’d been dealing with James all day with strep throat and a 104 temperature. I needed to get home and give James his medicine to help break his fever. My kids needed me.

“I started reading the Bible today.” I’m not sure why he said that. When I’d agreed to get the cash and headed for my car, he did thank me. Was he thanking me for going out of my way to do what he wanted me to do, or was he thanking me for the careful thought out meal? Perhaps he saw me as a blessing. I could not help but feel a bit defeated as I walked away. This is not a foreign feeling for me. I often get more excited about things than others. Then I feel let down that there was not an equal reaction.

Wasn’t the meal enough? What more should I do? Should I go to the ATM even though I don’t feel like it? My kids need me.

I have huge heart, a giving spirit, and a compassionate soul. I look for ways to bless others. I’ve gone way way out of my way to bless others in ways that many have not. We’re talking complete strangers and many have been hella unappreciative. It gets really  old.

I recently learned that I like to be the hero, the fixer, and the saver to others so I can point out how great I am. Yikes that’s hard to write, but I’m working on this. I’ve also played the victim card really well in my life, too, but that doesn’t serve me well either. It’s a great attention seeker. These days, I prefer to be a victor over a victim.

Often, when I go that far out of my way, I’m left feeling empty. The huge heart, giving spirit, and compassionate soul are my mom’s fault. She has all of those qualities. They are great qualities to have, but sometimes can be burdensome. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I could brush things off a bit easier. I wish I could be one of those people who easily lets things go. It’s just not in my blood to not care. So when he didn’t jump for joy, it bothered me. Where’s the gratitude, dude? When he didn’t immediately thank me, it bothered me. When he seemed unphased by the well thought out meal, it temporarily broke my spirit. & when he added the meal to his pile of belongings and didn’t even eat it right away, I felt small.

I wanted him to be excited and overjoyed and wanted his face to light up. He hadn’t responded the way I’d wanted him to and this wouldn’t be the first, or the last time, this would happen.  We can’t predict reactions from others and have no control over others. We do, however, have control over our choices and reactions. And it is true that I chose to be bothered by his lack of excitement. That’s on me, not Winston.

I got into the car and looked back at my smiling kids. I think they enjoy blessing others as much as I do. I told Hope what happened and mentioned that we needed to go to an ATM.

Hope sighed loudly and said, “Mom, you did enough!!! What you did was enough!!!!”

Boom… life lesson! I never think what I do is enough and am often feeling like I have to go above and beyond and do something loud to be appreciated, but maybe it’s in the subtleties that make the most difference. Maybe it is the intention that matters, the small acts of kindness that slowly starts to make the world a better place.

“I have to keep my promise of getting him money, right?”

“Mom, you did enough!!! Let’s just go home!!!”

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Our children are here to teach us the lessons we didn’t receive as children. The lesson: You are good enough as you are and don’t have to go above and beyond to make your mark on the Planet. You just have to do your best. And your best is good enough. You change the world with one single act of kindness at a time. My six-year-old kid is brilliant, I tell ya!

We went home.

I’ve noticed this pattern. I give from my heart and think what I’m doing is so great. & when the receiver of that gift does not react with an equal amount of enthusiasm, I tend to feel let down or saddened.  I tend to go overboard in my giving spirit. I  try too hard, do too much, and it has not served me well because if the receiver of that gift doesn’t reciprocate with appreciation immediately, it feels as though my kind gift, with all its thoughtfulness, creativity, and luster, has been canceled out. My light tends to dim a little. It is also my choice to allow my light to be dimmed. I could also choose to expect nothing in return to prevent me from feeling bummed. I have control over my reaction.

I’m known to go overboard. I always want to give the most memorable, the most sentimental, the most special gift of all. It comes from a good place, but why do I feel the need to go over the top? Why do I feel the need to stand out amongst the others? Maybe it’s because I don’t always feel that my as-is giving is enough… that lil’ ole me is enough. I have always felt this deep desire to be the brightest light in the room, to be the most heard person, to be a strong presence, to leave people moved, to be the most creative, to be loud, & the list continues. It’s cringe worthy when I think of the things I’ve done for attention. I’ve gotten better over the years. I really have. I am only getting better at believing I am enough.

I’ve loved very few men in my life. In fact, I can count on one hand how many men I’ve loved. I loved them so hard and wrapped myself around them so tight that I might have suffocated them right out of my life. I tend to do that- love so hard, and so much, that the person gets spooked and backs off. I find that same pattern in many of my friendships, too. I’m certain that is why a couple of my relationships didn’t work. I don’t blame them for leaving. I must have been challenging to deal with. I’d feel them pulling away and I’d lunge forward thinking I could love enough for the both of us. I’d try harder, push more, pull more, care more, do more, jump through more hoops, and then they’d get overwhelmed by the over-the-top-ness and leave.

The truth is, you can’t change others to fit what you want them to be. You can only be you and they can only be them. You can be a better you, but you can’t make them be a better them. You can’t make them be what you want them to be.  You can’t coerce anyone into loving you or make others want you and you trying harder won’t work. I jumped through every hoop and it didn’t work.  It either happens or it doesn’t.  All you can do and be is yourself and I was being myself, but just thought I had to win them over by being more of me. More of me made them run for the hills. I can be too much for people. & I was too much for people and those were not my people, clearly. Maybe just being me and being subtle would have been enough to sustain them. Everything happens for reason.

There have been these very special and important moments in my life that have been super duper dear and near to my heart and I’ve told the other person about those very special moments we’ve shared and they look back at me like a deer in headlights and don’t remember them. How can a moment that meant so much to me not be remembered by the person I was experiencing the moment with? Or, they’ve said I remember things as being more than what they were back in the day. They try to minimize my feelings or say they were’t real. They were huge and very real to me. My feelings are valid and real and they matter and I was head over heels at that time. It wasn’t the puppy dog kind of love. It was the fairytale kind. The kind that makes your tummy do flip-flops. The kind that makes you giddy. That kind. That particular person wasn’t on the level I was on. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t make him love me the way I loved him. It hurts to love so hard and so much and fall so deeply in love, only to be met with subtle feelings, unequal feelings, or a lack of mutuality. It’s happened all too much in my life. All you can be is you.  But it does not mean the  feelings felt weren’t valid, didn’t matter, or weren’t meaningful. It just means we had different recollections. It’s hard because I have loved people so hard and fallen equally as hard when it’s all over. I can’t not be me, but I can learn to be more responsible for my feelings, my reactions, and my own words. And just because someone else may not have felt the same way about me, then, that I felt about them, at that time, does not mean it didn’t matter. It all matters. And I still hold those memories sacred.

My goal for the rest of my life is knowing that lil’ ole me is enough.My gift, alone, without extra handmade bows, store-bought glitter sticky letters is enough. Simplicity and subtlety doesn’t make less of an impact. The meal I bought Winston was enough. I’m enough.

You are enough.  My hope is you never question your good-enough-ness based on another’s reaction, or lack of reaction, towards you. The fact that you exist and there is no other human being on Planet Earth with your DNA,  genetics, fingerprints, & name is a miracle.  You are one of kind, unique, & a celebration as you already are.

Winston, I drove by your corner for a 4th time and you were gone. Maybe you got that bus pass you longed for. Maybe you got booted. Maybe you got ahold of someone, they took you in,  provided a shower, warm food, cold water, and a job to help propel you towards an income. I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope you find a warm place to rest your head. I hope you stay nice and warm. I hope you feel full, hydrated,  and satisfied. I hope you find solace in your bible. I hope people see you not as a circus animal that they can drive by and stare at, but rather as a miraculous human being with a heart, a soul, a brain, and a name. I hope you know that I still think about you when I drive by. I hope you know that you are in my prayers. I hope you know that you matter. I hope you know that you are cared for. I hope you know that you are enough.